You’re twirling a glass of red wine while well-dressed men and women that look closer to movie stars than regular humans laugh at your investment choices. They don’t realize you’re not joking about plowing money towards the construction of tiny submarines for hamsters to explore underground oceans lurking beyond the sea. 

Investment sounds like such a fancy activity, one for those who have more than enough money to burn up and warm their homes, and their neighbors’ homes as well. But, in fact, it’s all fueled by rampant alcoholism, Adderall, and the hope for a brighter future, as shared by this Instagram account, named “Overheard on Wall Street.” 

Whether you’re a novice, have never invested in anything in your life, or you’ve dedicated quite a bit of time to this, I’m sure there’ll be something for everyone on this list right here. Don’t forget to vote on your favorites and leave your thoughts in the comments below. And if you want more once you’re done with this, here’s an article, and another here. Now let’s get into it! 

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Everyone is familiar with the term ‘Wall Street,’ in one way or another. Whether you’ve seen the movie (there have been a couple), heard some grand stories, or you’re learning economics, the eight-block-long street has become a symbol for the financial industry. 

According to Chris B. Murphy, Wall Street’s history roots back to the fact that so many brokerages and investment banks established HQs in and around the street to be close to the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE), the largest stock exchange in the world, with an equity market cap of just over $22.1 trillion. 

The economic importance extends throughout the American and global economy, as many of these firms do business globally, extend loans to a variety of businesses and individuals, and finance large-scale, global projects. Pop culture and media depict Wall Street as the pinnacle of a fast-paced, exciting, wealthy, and interesting lifestyle.

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However, many would agree that all that has a hefty price tag. There are traditional banker’s hours—and then there are Wall Street banker’s hours. One is nine to five. The other is nine to five in the morning. The hours get less exhausting as the career progresses, but they’ll rarely approach the regular 40-hour weeks of a Main Street banker.

Sure, the potential returns for effort, even up to four or five times the salary of a regular banker outside Wall Street, may seem worth it, but money doesn’t cure all ills. According to a 2021 internal survey by Goldman Sachs, its first-year investment banking analysts reported that workplace stress had been detrimental to both their mental and physical health. 

Workers reported that this kind of work was not what they expected in the slightest. “The sleep deprivation, the treatment by senior bankers, the mental and physical stress…I’ve been through foster care and this is arguably worse,” said one. “Being unemployed is less frightening to me than what my body might succumb to if I keep up this lifestyle,” said another. The last one stated, “I didn’t come into this job expecting 9am-5pm’s, but I also didn’t expect consistent 9am-5am’s either.”

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The bottom line is, this will not push away those that crave working on Wall Street. It’ll remain the center of individual capitalism in the world and a place where determined individuals can work their way from answering phones to calling the shots in just a matter of years. But the reward doesn’t come easy, free, or fairly, so if you’re young, talented, and highly competitive, there are few greater challenges than a career on Wall Street.

For those of us who can’t really understand such terms as dividends, EBITDA, debt-to-equity ratio, stock exchange, or the differences between all of them, here is a quick guide that you most likely shouldn’t follow without doing extra research on how investment works. 

The biggest misconception about investing is that it’s reserved for the rich. Arielle O’Shea and Tiffany Lam-Balfour argue that with the help of investing you can better combat inflation, as it makes your money work for you. However, there are certain things that one should consider before diving into the deep end. 

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Consider what goal you are wanting to achieve by investing and your time horizon; certain types of investments work better for short-term vs long-term goals. Furthermore, one must realize that investing always brings with it a level of risk, so you should always decide what amount of risk you’re capable of handling, taking into consideration your current financial situation. 

A great means of lowering your investment risk is to diversify your portfolio. This involves spreading your dollars across various investments, or as a lot of investment bankers say, not putting all your eggs in one basket. There’s never going to be a “best” investment for everyone; however, there are some investments that are generally considered less risky than others. 

Investopedia recommends 401(k) or employer-sponsored retirement plans, target-date mutual funds, index funds and exchange-traded funds (ETFs) for first-time investors. Furthermore, they advise avoiding penny stocks—unproven, small opportunities with dubious long-term prospects for success. Remember—if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. 

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Chad Langager, co-founder of Second Summit Ventures, argues that an experienced broker or financial advisor can help you make your investment decisions, monitor your portfolio, and make changes to it, making it a good option for beginners. A robo-advisor is an automated, hands-off option as well. 

However, all brokers have to make money from their customers in one way or another. In most cases, your broker will charge a commission every time that you trade stocks, whether you buy or sell. What that means is brokers can sell you stocks regardless of their quality just so they can make money off of you. So beware and cherry-pick who you trust when it comes to money. 

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Investing is kind of like playing the lottery: sometimes you win; other times you lose. However, preparation goes a long way. So do your research, prepare for the worst, and practice. Yes, you will lose money, it’s a given. But lose smart, win smarter. 

As you continue this endeavor into the humors of Wall Street, make sure to continue voting on your favorites, and if you don’t get the joke, then just ask; I’m sure we have some savvy Pandas among us that will kindly help out! Enjoy and toodaloo! 

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