Oh… that sweet happily ever after! When you have butterflies in your stomach, and love is in the air as if you were living in a James Blunt music video. Well, actually, people who have lived a married life at some point in their lives, or still do, unanimously agree on the fact that this is not what marriage is about.
Unlike falling in love, living the married life takes teamwork, commitment and a lot of conforming. Maybe even more than you were willing to give when you were single. So hey, it’s hard, but it’s also worth it. This thread from the Ask Men subreddit shows exactly that.
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“What random marriage advice sounded absurd but was actually spot-on helpful?” someone asked, sparking an illuminating thread about this challenging yet very rewarding game called life: marriage edition.
It’s ok to go to bed angry.
We’ve always been told not to go to bed angry but sometimes a night of sleep can change your perspective and help with resolution.
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Be honest. Don’t lie to your partner.
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My grandfather told me ” Never go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink” . What I learned is that he would always help my grandma and that is when they did their most talking
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Dad said “Be kind even if you’re not feeling it. Maybe *especially* if you’re not feeling it.”
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Grandma said “love is like coffee. Sometimes it’s hot, sometimes it’s cold, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s bitter. No matter how you like it, it is good. But it’s only great when you get it ‘the way you like it’. Make sure you get what you want”.
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‘Don’t worry about what other people think is ‘normal.’ I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and this piece of insight has made all the difference. You don’t need to conform to society’s standards. Do what works for you and your partner in a marriage.
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My fiance always says that “just because” flowers are the best kind of flowers.
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The advice I’ve given people is this: if you can go grocery shopping with your person and have the best time ever, you have yourself a keeper. It’s all about making the best of the mundane things, because after years of being together, life becomes predictable. You’ll need to keep the spice going, regardless of what you’re doing.
Source: married 15 years.
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The point of arguing is not to win. It’s to understand where they’re coming from and why this issue matters to them.
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Most of the time you spend together is going to be non-sexual, so the most important thing is to be best friends. Otherwise, it won’t last.
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It’s totally OK to sleep in separate beds…or even separate rooms if that’s what works for you. I am not going to be a good partner if I only get four hours of sleep because I was listening to him snore all night, or if jobs require different sleeping schedules and you take a while to get to sleep
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Marry him for who he is. Not his potential.
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Looks fade, marry someone who you enjoy talking to. -grandma
I also feel strongly about this one.
Find someone who is ok with you both having separate hobbies. My wife does her thing and I have my hobby. We share some hobbies, but we are ok with spending time apart too. We don’t have to always do them together. I couldn’t imagine marrying a woman who needed to do every single thing I did just to be around me. She needs to have her own life and I love not forcing her into the nerdy stuff I enjoy.
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My father always said that the best thing he and my mother did for their marriage was get a king-sized bed. I always thought it was ridiculous advice until recently, when my wife and I needed a new bed. We spent the extra money on a king, and I’ll be damned if that wasn’t one of the best decisions we have made. The extra room is amazing: We can snuggle or have some space, and when our kids try and get in bed, there’s enough room that no one is getting a foot to the face.
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You don’t just marry her, you marry her whole damn family.
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Have separate duvets or blankets on the same bed. I can wrap myself up nice and snug, and she can move around all night without bothering me.
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My step mom just passed away, and dad said something that has profoundly changed my attitude:
>”The little things that annoyed me are the things I now miss”
So, like, yea… for some reason she squeezes a massive glob of toothpaste which mostly falls into the sink basin and she doesn’t wash away the toothpaste spit… f*****g annoys me.
*If/when she’s gone, that little constant annoyance that reminds me she’s there will be gone too.*
Don’t nag on the little things, rather, embrace them. (still, let her know … she has made progress on other things I’ve pointed out, as I try to adapt to her wishes).
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‘Never ask your partner to make a sacrifice for you that you wouldn’t make for them if the roles were reversed.
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Clean up after yourself for God’s sake.
Retain your individuality and have separate hobbies even after you’re married. Have time apart. Have separate activities. This will allow you to have experiences you can talk about and share with each other. It will give you time apart so you don’t feel smothered.
Mine is almost the exact opposite. My husband snores really loud. I started sleeping separately and we have a much better relationship now. Probably because I’m not constantly sleep deprived. We both fought it so hard for so long because there is this idea that only unhappy couples sleep apart from each other. The truth is, you’ve got to do what works for the both of you and not worry about preconceived notions about intimacy, etc.
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When an argument is brewing stop and eat something, you may just be hungry.
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A meme when I was first getting married was, “Happy wife, happy life”. Which has some degree of accuracy.
But much later, I learned the better version, which I should have been more considerate of: “Happy Spouse, Happy House”.
When our kid was about to be born, someone told me to change the first diaper. “If you can handle the first one, the others will be easy.” So I did. I didn’t know what I was doing, so I asked the nurse at the hospital to teach me, and I changed the first several few diapers while my wife recovered from a difficult labor.
The advice was correct, no other diaper was as disgusting as the first one. It got very easy and I never minded doing it, and my wife was really really grateful. And I loved that I could take on some of the parenting chores, since there was so much that she was the only one… equipped to provide.
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On our wedding day, my father-in-law said, ‘Always remember it’s the two of you against the problem, not you two against one another.’ It’s been great advice, especially when we disagree. Focusing on this piece of advice has calmed a lot of arguments over the years.
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Moma said “don’t come whinning to me about your wife, go talk to her”….and don’t spend your time complaining to ANY one about your SO. If you need advice, ask, but no talking down about your SO, chances are they have a long list of complaints too.
One of my colonels told me: “just buy two damn pizzas, instead of arguing over the toppings.”
Gratitude is not a balancing act. Don’t just be grateful for the ‘extra’ things your spouse does; be grateful for every single thing. You can shop for food, prepare it, cook it, clear the table, and load the dishwasher. But if your partner empties the dishwasher, thank them for it and feel it.
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Marry your best friend — the person you like to have random conversations with, who interests you, who makes you laugh a lot. Marry the one you can spend all your time with, the one who will support you in tough times and good times. That is ‘the one’.
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‘The grass is greener when you water it.’ This one always stuck with me. Your relationship is what you make of it, and it will be happier if you put love and effort into it.
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Intimacy isn’t about sex.
At my wedding my wife’s Grandmother offered so funny, weird, solid advice. She said, ” If you get angery with each other, go to bed naked and see if you can resolve it before you go to sleep” So far, so good. Anniversary on Monday!
Decide whether or not a fight is really worth having. Think: ‘If it doesn’t matter tomorrow, does it really matter today?
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Whoever cares the most gets to choose (within reason obviously). Maybe you don’t care which restaurant you eat at tonight, so you let her choose. But maybe when your parents come to visit, you care a lot about where you take them. Then you choose.
If you’re doing marriage right, the ‘dating phase’ of your relationship never ends
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Love isn’t about having “nice feelings for each other.” It’s about acting for the betterment of someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. Emotions will change. Your willingness to treat your spouse a certain way doesn’t have to.
Randomly give your partner a cold beverage on a hot day. It’s the little things that show you care.
The best advice I ever got is to have realistic expectations of one another. Lofty expectations that go unmet are the root of unhappiness.
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Know each other’s love language. And your own! You could pour your heart into something that you would appreciate receiving (whether it’s gifts, time, conversation, touch, etc.) and have it fall flat because your partner responds more naturally to something else.
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“Don’t criticise each other’s driving – it leads down a dark path”
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After having a baby you will fight and argue a lot. You will both be exhausted from lack of sleep, and that causes high emotions. It won’t last. Be aware it’s coming. Do the best you can to work together.
Grab each other’s butts as often as possible. Keep the flirtation alive.
Always act like it’s the last time you’ll see them. Cause it might be. My mother passed last year at 45 from her second bout with cancer. Middle of the night, my dad said he’s glad he stayed up later to spend a few more minutes with her. To tell her he loved her. You never know when you’ll never see them again.
Also pride doesn’t belong in your marriage, if you have any self pride leave it at the door both you and your partner serve each other and support each other, each putting the other first and accept that they are giving it their all even if their all isn’t what it was last month.
The whole “women talk to share emotions not to find solutions” still feels totally bizarre and wrong to me but it works so well it’s like a cheat code or something.
Don’t share your arguments with your family. It will paint a bad image of your spouse.
This is VERY true and will cause more annoying issues than you need in life.
My mom told me once (still can’t decide if this is good or bad- I think just realistic, which helped me!): “if you’re expecting 50/50 all the time you’re going to be disappointed a lot. Sometimes it’s 60/40, sometimes it’s 70/30, sometimes it’s 90/10. You’ll have times where he’s doing it all, and he’ll have times where you’re doing it all.” I think what she meant was basically “marriage is (hopefully) long. Don’t keep score.”
There are certain words, certain tone of voice, etc. that you can use on your children, a friend, a subordinate or even your boss, but which you just shouldn’t use on your spouse.
Focus on tackling the problem, not each other
Don’t marry a woman that has horses. She will always be broke, you will never be first, and your schedule will revolve around feedings.
Pop, who married a woman that had horses.
This is one I developed myself about 10 years ago.
Don’t forget to breathe.
Your relationship was founded on your individuality. If you are not taking time to be yourselves as individuals, you are not maintaining yourselves and eroding the foundation of you relationship and your life. There is a reason most employers provide vacation. Time to get away from the grindstone, reset, recharge, and breathe. Same thing for your relationships. When you are together, you are a couple. When you are with the kids, you are parents. At work, you are working. There is a reason things like guy’s/girl’s night, man caves, and craft rooms exist. To take time apart, build individually, and appreciate your time together more. This is true of all relationships, romantic, parental, vocational, and personal.
If you’re not breathing, you’re not doing much.
My mom told me this once,
>S**t happens. No matter how bad it is between you and your spouse, never let anyone know your problems other than your spouse.
When we told our problems, especially to a different sex, that’d be another problem coming in. That’s where the third person arises.
everyone gets their own sheets when you sleep.
My dad used to tell me this. “You can only control two things in this life. Your thoughts and your actions. The rest is out of your control and you need to let it go.”
I used to think it was so stupid when I was a kid but man has it been spot on as I became an adult.
Don’t stop dating your spouse.
As Rita Rudner said about changing your SO, “That pie’s baked. If you want a different flavor, get a different pie.”
My grandma told me that she wished she had been a tart (ie a bit slutty) before she got married. Sow your wild oats whilst you are young and single!!!
Get blankets that are bigger than your bed size. Queen size bed? Get King sized comforter. No more fighting for cover while sleeping
My dad told me “No matter how right you are about something – stay silent and let her rattle. She’ll run out of steam eventually.
You’ve said nothing you regret, nothing that can be held against you, and she’s smart enough to figure out you were right, completely on her own.
If you’re wrong: admit it, apologize, and shut up.
Either way, let her talk. Clearly women don’t fart; therefore we let them vent through b****ing, so they don’t explode.”
They were married for 40 years. He did something right.
Marriage is like a business. Most fail. Some are exceptional. Discuss and set some goals. And definitely get your financial house in order.
My grandmother said have sex often and loudly ?
“collars and leashes work just as well for your b***h as they do your dog”
-80+ year old great uncle at my wedding.
“Touching need be about more than just sex man, you got to touch for the sake of love and connection.”
-20 year old drug dealer at my wedding
marriage is the act of solving as a team problems you didnt have before.
Don’t have too high of expectations. My dad told us that, but we found most of our early fights were when one or the other had unspoken expectations of the other or marriage. It is positively life changing to be married, and an amazing experience, but still life goes on.
My dad asked me 10 minutes before getting married if I was sure I wanted to do this and said I can back out now if I wanted to. I should have listened. My marriage lasted 8 years, yet my parents have been married 60 years now!
If you don’t agree on religion, then walk away.
If your atheist don’t marry a heavily religious person. You’ll get sick of hearing “it’s God will” or “He (God) has a plan for you.”
The reverse you don’t want your spouse to be invalidating or questioning or attacking your beliefs.
Said because “Christain values are meant to make a good partner” – Society (at least the one I’m from).
Don’t marry a woman whose dad calls her “princess”, because she probably believes it.
Much to his regret, my brother ignored this advice from our dad.
Its okay to do what you want to do. If your wife or gf wants you to do what she is but you want to do something else. Its okay to go do your own thing. Most times they will become intrested and come find you.
Before I was married I had an irregular heart beat due to single-guy life choices.
Doctor prescribed meds for it, but told me the best option is to get married.
Now I’m married — i.e. regular sleeping schedule, eat healthy meals at home, drink less, lost weight — and no more heart problem.
My wife’s nonna: when you have children you life is over.
Love is a choice. Acyively decide to love someone because feelings are fleeting
Don’t wait until you’re “Ready”. If you love each other, and it feels right, do it.
I got 2 king beds pushed together. Mega bed. I got a very bad back and am 6′ 8″ so i need my space when i sleep.
Wives need their husband’s love, then their respect, husbands need their wife’s respect, then their love.
“Marry someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life”
I can’t help it. She’s tiny and adorable when she’s mad.
From my sister:your not always IN love but you always love
From my uncle: be careful what you say when your pissed you can’t always take it back
Both were married till the day they died and my uncle was happily married. My advice is it’s about commitment we are committed to spending the rest of our lives together through all the bad times.
No matter how long you are married, never forget your wife’s name. Especially when banging her donkey style.
Your money is NOT their money & theirs is not yours. Share expenses not bank accounts.
“Have a threesome before you get married or marry a chick who likes tits as much as you!”