Before the 2020 Gift Guide – Some Stupid Marketing

“Mommy, why does Santa have a MagLite?”

After Popular Woodworking and its parent company were taken over by the second or third (I forget) venture capital firm, they hired some online marketing geniuses. This group of simpletons had one plan in their playbook: Have a special blowout sale for every holiday and national observance.

And so we got great marketing emails with headlines such as:

Listen beautiful relax classics on our Youtube channel.

“You’ll Fall MADLY IN LOVE with our Valentine’s Day Sale!”

“Our St. Patrick’s Day Prices will Make you GREEN with Envy!”

“You’ll SAVE the DAYLIGHTS out of Woodworking Books During Our Daylights Savings Sale!”

The holiday that broke me, the one that made me call them and yell (I never yell) was:

“Don’t Let These Savings PASS you OVER – Our Big PASSOVER SALE!”

So as we enter the season for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Pan American Aviation Day, I’d like to run a fun little contest to create the absolute worst holiday sales pitch. Pick a holiday – any holiday. Here’s a good list. Then write a terrible, horrible, awful, funny sales pitch that takes advantage of that holiday. 

Keep it clean. Children and Megan’s mom read this blog.

Post your sales pitch in the comments before noon Eastern on Friday, Nov. 20. The worst/best sales pitch (determined by me and my stupid sense of humor) will win a $100 Lost Art Press Gift Card. Don’t forget to enter your email in the commenting form so we can contact you if you win (your email will not appear in the message).

— Christopher Schwarz

P.S. The 2020 Anarchist’s Gift Guide starts on Wednesday.


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