Chair Chat no. 24: Worms On Meth™

Editor’s note: In this Chair Chat, Chris gets a visitor and we conspire to hijack Lost Art Press while he’s gone. Rudy wonders how to get that “shiny brown finish,” and Chris explains his theory on creating Worm Holes. Please only read further if you dare to enter the area on the Lost Art Press blog reserved for the cool people who can appreciate deep quality humor.

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Rudy: Did anyone bring a chair? Are we chatting about the one they dug up out of a river?

Klaus: I got a Far East Wales™ candidate!

Rudy: Bring it!

Klaus: Welcome to the Chair Chat! Here you go:

Chris: Ah yes. We meet again.

Klaus: Let me dig out some info on this staked piece of chair.

Chris: Look under “F” for phony.

Klaus: According to the antiques dealer, it’s only 1,850 GBP!

Chris: Usually that’s the year it was made.

Klaus: Hahaha.

Chris: I do like how they don’t say it’s an antique.

Klaus: Yes, nothing to hide here.

Rudy: Antique like from the previous century? 1999?

Chris: The previous August maybe.

Klaus: Probably antique in the way that the maker wore a sixpence.

Klaus: And just to be safe, according to the dealer it might be Welsh OR Irish.

Rudy: It’s like the maker just really TRIES to make it look wonky. With the effect that it looks Far East Wales™.

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Klaus: It does have that feel to it.

Rudy: Too many things wrong with it to be authentic.

Klaus: The wrongness looks perfect.

Rudy: Exactly!

Rudy: And every single stick finished exactly the same way, same wear everywhere.

Chris: I think the legs look too thin.

Rudy: Agree. I would be nervous to have a seat.

Klaus: Yeah, considering the seat is also thin and the splay is rather heavy.

Rudy: The overall appearance of the chair is quite nice – just to be fair.

Klaus: Yup, I agree. The chair is nice.

Chris: It’s a nice photo. But I am going to say this chair is not something that would have really been built. It’s like a porno. People don’t look like that.

Klaus: Exactly. Well put and very nice analogy.

Chris: And yes, the seat is waaaaay on the thin side. I’ve seen them that thin. But I wouldn’t build one that way. Especially not with those baby legs.

Rudy: Thin seat + baby legs = A Bad Idea™.

Klaus: Maybe stretchers would be a good idea here?

Chris: Where would you put them? They would have to be 1/2″ thick or smaller. Like coffee stirrers.

Rudy: Which would make the chair look even weirder.

Klaus: Good points. Those are some thin legs, indeed.

Rudy: A big thing lacking with these chairs (and I don’t want to give any phony makers any ideas) is the total lack or worm holes. Any piece of old country/farmer/barn furniture that I have encountered ALWAYS had worm holes.

Klaus: Can you fake worm holes? If so, I would do that!

Chris: Yup. Get a drill and get drilling some worm holes, boys!

Rudy: I suppose you could use real worms too.

Chris: Too slow. Need worms on meth.

Rudy: Set it out in a barn somewhere and let nature take care of the rest.

Chris: Too slow. Need barn on meth.

Rudy: Good idea. Meth barn!

Chris: Also, the arms look too damn high.

Klaus: Indeed, they are very high up. That armbow will hit you right in the middle of your spine where it hurts the most.

Rudy: I sometimes wonder how those old chairs get that shiny brown finish. This maker did pretty good with that.

Chris: First, eat 100 greasy hamburgers…

Klaus: Then fart for 100 years.

Chris: Then 100 bean burritos.

Rudy: Then take off your pants.

Klaus: Then slide your ass around on the seat while opening your sphincter.

Rudy: Don’t miss a spot!

Chris: So do you think the guy is drunk when he makes these?

Klaus: No, I think he’s on meth.

Rudy: I think he may be on meth

Rudy: Snap!

Klaus: Dang!

Chris: Who would actually plan on that stick spacing?

Rudy: You mean the two long sticks next to the doubler?

Chris: The one to the left of the middle stick. What the hell?

Klaus: He tried to be creative and do a lobster pot.

Chris: Yes, a REALLY wonky one.

Rudy: Check out that joint. Supported by only one long stick.

Rudy: Bound to fall apart, I think, before too long.

Klaus: Broke off a piece of the shoe there. Another too-perfect error?

Rudy: But it’s the same on the other side, too.

Klaus: Oh, is it? Right! What the hell?!

Chris: It’s just weird work.

Klaus: That is plain weirdness, yes.

Rudy: As long as it looks weird, people will say it looks Welsh. The weirder, the Welsher.

Klaus: I’m getting the feeling that an antiques dealer has told a chairmaker what all the features of a perfect primitive stick chair are.

Chris: And he made Jessica Rabbit.

Klaus: Haha. Yes. It’s as if he just set out to make it and didn’t have a clue about proportions or construction principles.

Rudy: OK, I do like this hand.

Klaus: Yup, I like that notch.

Chris: Yes. I was admiring the hands as well.

Rudy: The other one has some amputation damage. Someone drilled a hole right at the edge there?

Chris: That is what it looks like. Maybe to make it easier to band saw out the shape?

Rudy: The other side doesn’t seem to have that hole

Klaus: Pretty hefty finish on that arm.

Chris: Yeah, that photo is odd. Green edges of the arms. The top is brown/red.

Klaus : I know, I don’t get it. Why would the red be worn off on the outside of the arm? It’s clearly painted red OVER green.

Rudy: Maybe he ran out of red paint?

Klaus: Maybe he drank it?

Rudy: The finish looks pretty torched, too.

Klaus: Yup, all bubbly.

Rudy: Green chair = Early Chair™. So this one must be EARLY!

Klaus: Yeah, probably around 6 a.m.

Chris: Wonky sticks = Expensive Chair™.

Klaus: Parts missing = Even Better™.

Rudy: Wonky = Definitely Welsh And Very Old™ (DWAVO®).

Chris: Mondo splay = Mondo Payday™!

Klaus: Indeed!

Rudy: Haha, good one!

Chris: Oh sh*t. I have a visitor. Gotta bug out…Talk sh*t about me!


Rudy: Wait, crap. This is our chance! So, about Chris…

Klaus: We’ll take over LAP! You can be Megan! I’ll be Bean.

Rudy: I just need the sex change and I’ll be all in!

Klaus: Great, now back to the chair. How about that finish?

Rudy: It is a real finish. Just not from the 1800s.

Klaus: I’d say the finish is around 1,800 hours old, maybe.

Rudy: The maker clearly has a system in how he finishes his chairs. And applies it to all of them.

Klaus: Yup, they’re all kinda similar!

Rudy: Yeah, they definitely have their own style.

Klaus: I wonder where these are made. In a London studio or on a remote farm.

Rudy: The latter. I believe the maker lives in a rural place with no electricity, water, internet, computer or food. Living off the air they breathe, and grass.

Klaus: And never makes lowbacks, it seems? And no Irish-ish ones either!

Rudy: I don’t think he does, no. Seems to be always high backs.

Klaus: Well, is there more to say about this one? Any thoughts about the comb?

Rudy: Mmm.

Klaus: Meaning that the comb is nice?

Rudy: Well, it is nice. But not as nice as the one you showed us earlier today from “The Welsh Stick Chair.”

Klaus: True dat.

Rudy: The main question as always: Will some idiot buy this for £1,850 and will the dealer sleep well at night?

Klaus: Some idiot will absolutely buy this. It’s even on the cheap side for authentic old stick chairs. Dealers probably sleep well, too.

Rudy: True. With all that all that money in their pockets? They better.

Klaus: From this angle it looks very disproportionate and wonky.

Rudy: Agree. Even if it has some Welsh DNA in it, it just looks wrong.

Klaus: The back looks very tall. I’m six foot one and that comb will be over my head when sitting in the chair, I’m sure.

Rudy: My shoulders would probably just touch the doubler!

Klaus: Totally weird. I don’t have much more to say about this Far East Chair™ other than that I think it was made last year.

Rudy: Late last year?

Klaus: Around fall time. Close to noon. Or maybe later.

Chris: I’m back!

Rudy: Welcome back my friend! Hope you got to read all the crap we talked about behind your back!

Chris: Old friend from high school was passing through town.

Klaus: Cool!

Chris: I’ll read your mouth trash later.

Klaus: We’ve concluded that this Far East Wales™-looking chair is probably made in Devon, around LATE LAST YEAR.

Chris: I agree. And it’s not worth 1,850 of anything.


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