Father Of 4 Daughters Shows What Being A Parent Is Like Without Sugarcoating It (76 Pics)

Simon Hooper, AKA Father of Daughters, has become an Instagram sensation and successful author by chronicling the ups and downs of being a father of 4 young girls.

With almost 1 million followers enjoying his daily stories, delivered with a large dose of humor and without the usual sugarcoating of ‘perfect parenthood,’ Simon has made quite the journey from being a “24 year old man-child with no idea of what being a dad involved.” The realities of being forever outnumbered by the ladies in his life, he is the single male in a household with 5 women, has taught Simon valuable lessons about fatherhood, feminism and equality.

Scroll down below to see a realistic, humorous perspective on parenting, and let us know what you think in the comments!

More info: Instagram

 

Image credits: Father of daughters

“I thought I had it nailed – I thought the days of refering to Ottie and Delilah simply as ‘this one’, ‘that one’ and ‘the twins’ were numbered and that I was going to be a parent who could distinguish between my genetic copycats. I was wrong. Thanks to [my wife] dressing them as mirror images of themselves, today I was straight back to square one & spent the next 15 minutes playing a real-life guess who – calling them the wrong names only to receive blank faces & zero responses in return. I’m strongly considering shaving one of their heads. Screw the curls – the need to identify my own children is more important”

Father Of Daughters

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“To Ottie & Delilah: 3 years ago today we became the proud owners of a buy one get one free deal that we didn’t volunteer to receive. Frankly I was scared shitless of the thought of you, but as soon as you arrived in the world & I held you in my arms, those fears dissipated and drifted away on the winter breeze in south London. Yes, parenting is now the equivalent of herding cats high on speed whilst blindfolded, the volume level is our house shatters windows and Yes, your arrival reduced male representation in our family down a measly 16%, but you have helped shape us as parents, as siblings and as a family. You’ve grown from crying balls of flesh who I couldn’t tell apart, into wonderful individuals who enrich our lives and have unintentionally taught me a lot about myself – 1). I’m genetically hard coded to only make females. 2). I have more patience than I ever thought possible 3). you helped me gain a new perspective on whats important in life and 4). you’ve helped me realise that I’m capable of more than I give myself credit for. You completed our family and completed our lives so thank you for being you. Just promise you’ll easy to handle in the future as the thought of you as teenagers scares me shitless again!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Move over twinnies, you’ve been knocked off the cuteness top spot. No, Clemmie hasn’t had a secret pregnancy and produced the world’s hairest child that were sending off to the circus. We do however have a new family member – my four legged son – Pablo Valentine Hooper. In the blink of an eye, We’ve doubled the number of testicles in this female orientated household & Suddenly the fight for the TV remote has been replaced with a fight for the attention of this 16 inch long ball of baggy skin and soft padded bear feat, who’s eyes you could get lost in. Pablo, I can only apologise to for the noise level your coming to – we’ll start a boys only club in the basement to escape to where we can talk about boy stuff over a bowl of puppy food.”

Father Of Daughters

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“There’s an unwritten but globally understood rule that the shattered parent that gets up with the kids to give other equally shattered parent a lie-in is responsible 4 key things: 1). ensuring that said kids remain quiet as a church mouse who’s biten off his own tongue so as not to disturb the sleep deprived bear like creature in mummy & daddy’s bedroom, 2). The house should not resemble the aftermath of a ram raid on a toy store, 3). The dinner from the night before can not and will not be still on the side sticking the kitchen out & 4). All children should be fed and watered before the other parent finally rises from their 100ply cotton covered hibernation. Now look at these 2, read their faces & tell me how many of these I managed today before @mother_of_daughters came down stairs. I’ll give you a clue – it was just the right number to get told off. My fault really – playing always comes top of my list of chores. Linen PJs are from the lovely @meloandmarl who we met on holiday this summer.”

Father Of Daughters

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“I may have a Y chromosome where women have an X but that microscopic piece of biology should be the only thing that differentiates us as we all travel on this journey through life. As a Father of 4 daughters, I don’t want my girls horizons to be limited to what people tell them they can do, so I embrace my responsibility as a parent to support and encourage my girls to be what they want to be, to celebrate & further the accomplishments of those trail blazers that have gone before them like Emmeline Pankhurst, Ella Fitzgerald, Coco Channel, Marie Curie & Henrietta Swan Leavitt who, with a team of all female astronomers, catalogued the stars in the night sky when men told them they couldn’t. Our children will be the ones who will break glass ceilings, forge new paths & make the discoveries that takes the human race to places we can only dream of today, so my message to my girls is to GO BIG, GO HARD & do what they said you can’t do in whatever field you choose – be the boss of your own destiny.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Some times actions speak louder than words so I’ll just leave this here and let you guess why the twins didn’t want to go to bed after I hyped them up to darude sandstorm (fyi their dance troop name has to be ‘Mirror Image’ when they go on Britain’s got talent). Don’t worry @mother_of_daughters , I got this…..now tune up the bass and get your hands in the air people – Dad’s in charge of bedtime! BTW I dance every Wednesday on stories if you didn’t know already – good for blowing off steam and keeping things in perspective – never stop having fun”

Father Of Daughters

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“With a baby sitter booked, we’ve done something that’s seldom possible under normal proceedings – We got the opportunity to dress up in clothes with no stains on & go to a fancy restaurant with just the eldest two. I’m sure they think we’ve completely forgotten about them since the arrival of the mini-me’s, so this was our way of showing them they’re more important then ever. I didn’t flinch when they ordered starters that cost more than the nation debt of the US, I stayed calm when they picked mains from the adult menu (knowing they wouldn’t finish them) & bit my tongue when they split drinks to creat table lakes as being out late with the grown ups fun & we wanted to make it special. If you’d told a 16 yr old me that I’d be surrounded by beautiful, intelligent women when I’m older, I wouldn’t have believed you, but here I am (slightly different circumstances, granted) & I couldn’t be prouder of the women in my life (swipe right). Also, if we hadn’t have brought them, who else would have done the washing up to cover the bill while @mother_of_daughters & I played the ‘what house would we buy in Ibiza if we won the lottery’ game?”

Father Of Daughters

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“I’m not sure what triggered it. perhaps if was the 80’s clothing accessorised with a sparky scrunchy, the impromptu outpouring of love with Delilah or maybe it was the smell of her perfume. What ever it was, yesterday, in the middle of pizza hut amongst the spilt drinks, shouting kids, poorly coloured in place mats, half eaten pizza crusts & liquified ice cream, an short burst wave of emotions crash over me & I suddenly felt 16 again – she didn’t notice, but while i looked on at the woman sitting across from me playing with our children, I experienced what I can only describe as a intense crush & I instantaneously fell in love with [my wife] all over again. she’s basically cool as f**k and makes me dry mouthed and clammy handed . I didn’t tell you at the time Clemmie, but you still make me want to go back in time and meet you all over again for the first time. Vomit inducing isn’t it…… God I have to stop watching Sex Education! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Being the middle child can be tough. With the twins causing havoc at every opportunity and an older sister who has decided upon a career of testing the boundaries of what we’re willing to tolerate, I know that sometimes Marnie can feel a little left out. This has been especially true this weekend as Anya has had a friend over, meaning that for the last 2 days, the big girls have been doing whatever it is 11 year old girls do (from what I can tell, this involves starring into the fridge, Cackling as if you’re inhaled an entire cannister of laughing gas, having your face permanently uplit by a screen & talking a language I barely recognise as english). All Marnie wanted to do was be included & be part of the big girls club, but as every big sibling knows, little sisters are annoying and not cool, so Marnie had been cut out, resulting in tears & endless arguements. To make up for it, we’ve binging on films together & eating our body weight in snacks – no big girls allowed. They may not care but I know it means the world to Marnie as she’s smiling again which is priceless. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“We vowed early on that we wouldn’t dress Ottie & Delilah the same as Frankly it weirds me (and other people) out & makes the task of identifying them harder than threading a needle while wearing oven gloves covered in baby oil. We wanted them to embrace individuality, to be a seperate entities unto themselves & forge their own paths forward through life. What do they want to do? Dress exactly the same, all the live long day. If I attempt to offer up garms that are not identical, the world implodes in a crescendo of screams that dissolve eardrums & both of them get naked quicker than still life model who really likes his job. After getting so close to the end, I find myself riding the long snake everyone hates, all the way back to square 1. They win. Wear what you want. Sorry nursery, good luck telling them apart. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Im not usually soppy but seeing this made my heart explode. It’s easy to forget that In amongst the chaos, the shouting & yelling that could quite literally wake the residents of a mortuary, the hair pulling, the floods tears, the arguments over toys that they have exact duplicates of and the constant running at full tilt (why can’t toddlers walk anywhere), there are also 2 little sisters who hold hands together when they’re nervous, that play private games I’ll never understand the rules to, that fetch their twin books in the evening, hand eachother muslins when the other one is crying that laugh & giggle uncontrollabky at one another when the lights go out at bed time. I’m glad they have eachother as, although they don’t know it yet and it probably doesn’t fell like it sometimes, they will always have a ready-made best friend on hand to cling on to. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“No, this is not a background extra milking their scene in some low budget B movie horror film. It’s the moment when I was getting headshots taken for my book & Ottie decided she absolutely positively couldn’t give me a moment to myself – transforming my moment, very much into her moment. Clemmie scooped her up seconds later & I can laugh at this now but it does remind me just how hard it can be to achieve the simplest of tasks when a wailing child is within close promixity – thanks @philippajames for catching the memory & exposing the realities behind the image you see in the book!”

Father Of Daughters

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“It’s ok to be scared. These 2 balls of pure energy, along with our older girls, are the centre of our universe, but it wasn’t always like that. I knew that outwardly I was supposed to be excited & celebrating that my tackle worked despite being kicked in the balls as a teenager, but in all honesty, when we found out we’re we destined to be twin parents, I bought a 6 month supply of brown trousers as we were scared shitless & we cried. A lot. To my knowledge, No one in the history of the planet has ever turned off the TV, leaned over to their partner & whispered seductively “tonight, let’s try for twins”. I know I didn’t. So to be told that we’re we getting a surprise ‘buy one get, one free’ offer from the “small human” supermarket was initially very hard to take onboard. We needn’t have worried as with all things, we adapted & made it work & now I can’t imagine life without being heavily outnumbered by my girls but I know many people who find out they’re going to be parents do, so this is a message to them – It’s normal to feel anxious. To be scared of the unknown & to feel out of control. It’s ok. Talk to your partner openly & share your worries. Bottling things up doesn’t solve problems & by opening up, you may just find you can support each other and become closer in the process. See stories for more on info. (Now cue a load of questions about their dresses & how cute they are). ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I’m the go to person for many things in my girls lives – homework help – I’ve got you covered. Need to fix something – I’m your man. Want to talk – I’m all ears. Wanna be idiotic for a bit – wingman, right here. The one thing I’ll never be is the person they go to when they get hurt. I could be a world class surgeon dressed as a bunny handing out chocolate but they’d walk right passed me as if I were transparent as Only mummy can kiss things better. Only mummy can stop the tears. Only mummy can apply the millionth plaster / bandaid to the 2 week old cut they just remembered and suddenly hurts so much, it brought on temporary paralysis and screams that shatter the neighbours wine glasses. A mothers love is a mother’s love and nothing else compares. On a side note, I swear we’re raising a generation of extreme hypochondriacs and that the manufacturer of plasters must be overtaking the owner of Amazon on the world’s rich list soon!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Being an older sibling in what is classified as a large family can be a thankless task. Through no fault of their own both Anya and Marnie have been drafted in, conscription style, into being unpaid nursery workers to allow us breathing space to make dinner & reheat that cup of tea for the 4th that now has a skin so thick you can hold the mug upside, safe in the knowledge that nothing will come out. They had no voting rights when it came the size of our family or when we dished out roles & responsibilities and I’m sure that 75% of the time they find the small people that intruded on their cost setup & take up the vast majority of our parenting attention more an annoying than emptying the kitchen bin only for the liner to break , but without them stepping up, this mass of organised chaos we call family life just wouldn’t work. Here’s to the unsung heroes, to older siblings. You don’t realise it yet, but you’re the ones that keep us parents sane. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Somehow, we blinked and 10 years of marriage with this one has vanished over the horizon in the rear view mirror, yet she still has the ability to take my breath away, give me the kind of heart palpitations that would worry a GP and generally make me feel like & act a 15 year old man child who knows he’s punching above his weight. Thanks for putting up with me, for having all the babies & for agreeing to share your life with me @mother_of_daughters , I promise to keep things interesting and to make our lives together the best they can be . Here’s to the next 10 – let’s just try to procreate less this coming decade.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Eating out as a family of 6 is usually a fairly stressful event but just because we have 4 daughters shouldn’t mean we resign ourselves to being house bound & draw the curtains until they’re all over 18. Yes the overpriced carbonated drinks bought as a treat will be on the floor before we order food, and yes the highchairs that are obviously designed by people who hate parents will be used as soapboxes for the twins to shout from as they wave cultery around like a scene from brave heart. Yes, I will spend 60% of the time either chasing kids, escorting them to the window to see the view or apologising to fellow dinners as my magpie-like children go through their bags. Yes, our food will be cold & yes the floor will end up looking like ‘the upside down’ from Stranger Things, but when moments like these happen it makes it all worth while. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“This woman drags me out of shell. She makes me a better version of myself and is probably the only reason I have any adult friends that aren’t my family. The collective hive mind that is the ‘local mums’ have not only driven us reclusive dads to talk to eachother beyond comments about the weather but also brought us together as a community and I’m eternally grateful they made it happen. This evening we held our first Christmas drinks party with friends and neighbours and it wouldn’t have taken place without them, So here’s to the mums – The one that organise the social calendar. The ones that put themselves out there and the ones that make the effort. To the mums that schedule play dates, that make picnic suppers and that do the stocking fillers without being asked. To the mums that pay attention to the detail and that make Christmas magical not only for the kids, but for everyone around them. You’ve thrawed this Scrooge’s heart and actually made me feel festive! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Yes piers, this look is for you.
Now I’m not one to get drawn into nonsense that is designed to provoke a reaction because, unlike Piers morgan, I’m in not a toddler in an adults body. But when a man, who’s views come straight out of the back pages of lads mags from the 1920’s, mocks men for carrying their babies in a carrier, I get quite annoyed. I’ve had a child attached to me for the best part of a decade and as anyone knows, accessorising your outfit by wearing a child is so in right now. In fact I used to double up for that extra ‘wow’ factor so I guess in his mind I must be 200% emasculated and basically have a vagina. There is nothing more manly than a dad demonstrating their ability to care for their child and if you think otherwise, then you look around and move with the times. One day the dinosaurs will all die out and turn to oil, leaving the next generation to laugh at the views of the relics that went before them, but in the mean time, let’s avoid giving a soap box to people who use it to simply annoy everyone.”

Father Of Daughters

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“To those that think having a child is the end of your social life, to those that think it’s all over. To those that believe that being a parent means a complete change in life style – don’t ever forget who you are and what you loved doing before your have a small version of yourself to look after. Embrace what you have and involve them in your life. Dont settle. Don’t turn things down. Dont become just a parent. You are who you are and having children doesn’t mean you should limit yourself or what you want to do, especially it comes to enjoying yourself. You can still smash a festival and be a good parent as demonstrated by my wife @mother_of_daughters . We are living proof!”

Father Of Daughters

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“You won’t believe me, but this picture of @mother_of_daughters was taken in 2007, 2 weeks before Anya burst onto the scene & Clemmie was officially classified as a mother for the first time. 10 years on and she’s been through it all – the births, the cracked nipples, the ‘living on 2 hours sleep while your face falls of through sheer exhaustion’, the night feeds, the tandum feeds, the lose of hair, the changes in body shape, the balancing of work trying to be a present parent & dealing with the wheelbarrow loads of guilt that come with it. She’s organised the birthday parties, bought the clothes, see all the plays, done the parents evenings, praised the questionable art work, read the bed time books, cleared up the vomit, wiped all the arses and she’s done it all while putting up with me. Happy mother’s day to all mothers out there, but especially to my wife who amazes me every single day. You really are incredible and our girls are so lucky – they’ll realise just how much one day, I promise.”

Father Of Daughters

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“There’s bed head & then there’s Delilah’s bed head, which has apparently taken some kind of performance enhancing drugs. Her 70’s style disco bouffon looked like the 3 way love child of don king, an angry box of vipers & a mound of candy floss and it quite literally blocked out the sun. Despite not being called Vidal Sassoon, I’m usually the one that deals with all the girls hair (apparently @mother_of_daughters pulls too much, which I’m sure she’s done on purpose just to give me more to do) but today Clemmie took one for the team, took command & did what any self respecting time-poor parent would do – forced a hat over this particular crime against hair styling & sent packing to nursery. They must have had fun removing it only to be confronted by medusa herself. Sorry nursery – There’s some clips & a tangle teezer in there somewhere.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Usually bedtime is like walking into a warzone, a warzone with low level lighting, soft furnishings & bunny rabbits. Its a place where books are used as sharp cornered weapons and children break camoflague from underneath soft toys to lob bottle shaped milk grenades indiscriminately at people over 4 ft tall, but tonight was different. In the time it took me to get milk squared away and peg it back upstairs, the twins exhausted all of their energy reserves, allowing the silent assassin, sweet sweet jetlag, to stealthly slip in behind enemy lines and render them comatose. This was our victory photo. Of course the victory is bitter sweet as I now have to move these dead weights & will no doubt be revisited by them at 3am when they think it’s morning, bit for now, we’ll bask in the glory that is 2 little girls that fought the good fight, but lost to sleep. (See stories for vids).”

Father Of Daughters

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“We seem to have been given the gift of time even though I don’t remember asking for it. Thanks to the kids who are still not quite adjusted & keep referring to UK time, we’re up before the sun rises, providing us with a full-on 15 hours of awake time to stuff with more fillings into than the burger I had for lunch. As a fringe benefit to early rises, not only did we get to transport Ottie around in full diva mode (she refused to take off the glasses or ears, not even for passing princesses), we were also one of the first people into the park, so after necking caffeinated drinks, we hit ‘Tower of Terror’ – a 13 floor free fall in an elavator (or ‘lift’ for us British lot). I think I left my breakfast somewhere up on the top floor but everyone came out alive & wanting more. Then, with failing legs by 12pm, all the girls took turns to go on one of the popular rides that never has a queue – my shoulders. I swear I’m 3 inches shorter now than at the start of the day. How come I never get carried!? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I’ll forgive you for thinking this was either a really low grade game of hide and seek or the very sad annual meeting between the only 2 members of the ‘National Pavement Appreciation Society’, but in fact it was a result of stubborn child not wanting to put a coat on in weather so cold it would have had snowmen reaching for the heated blanket. This horizontal protest was heading no where fast until @mother_of_daughters employed the old tried & tested ‘I’ll just lie next to this apoplectic child silently and see what happens’ technique and sure enough, Ottie’s brain overloaded at the sight of an adult on the floor, rebooted into recovery mode and she quickly dusted herself off and rode off into the sun. She still didn’t have a coat on, but you take a win where you can in these situations. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“9 years ago, this woman made me whole and helped me set the foundation for our family of little women. She’s the cream cheese to my bagel, the vinegar to my chips, the gin to my tonic, the laces to my shoes. She completes me and makes life in a oestrogen fuelled house of sparkling rainbow shining highs & bottom of the bin liquids lows more manageable. I still have to pinch myself that you picked me out of all the other mediocre men that you could have chosen from in that nightclub with floor that stuck to your feet and stank of vomit & redbull, otherwise known as lizard lounge. Now lets make the most of not having kids haning off us, get proper pissed and regret it in the morning. Our anniversary expects it and you know how I hate to disappoint”

Father Of Daughters

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“The transition from cots to big girls beds is akin to getting transferred from Alcatraz to a minimum security prison that has an honesty check out policy at the gate. Now after reading 2 & half books (mainly to ourselves while they perform gymnastics and laugh at their own shadows whilst simultaneously down a bottle of milk quicker than a sailor in a drinking competition) & the lights go off, there is literally nothing more than our hopes and dreams to stop them conducting nocturnal excursions around their room, which they apparently carry out in lead boots, or at least that’s what it sounds like from downstairs. That’s the moment @mother_of_daughters & I play the old ‘it’s your turn’s game to see who has the futile job of returning them to their beds. Toddler straight jackets anyone? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“No I did not disregard the instructions & over inflate ottie’s armbands with enough helium for her to take off. I did however invoke the right of every father to chuck their off spring as high as physically possible, while @mother_of_daughters watched on with her heart in her mouth before it went into cardiac arrest, packed up its bags & booked into recovery facility to get over the sight of her youngest sticking 2 finger up to Isaac Newton & defying gravity. From what I can tell, the rule is that for every child you have you can throw them 1ft. Anya got the timid 1ft job but Ottie gets the full 4ft treatment everytime and squawks like a fledgling bird & loves it. Aren’t dad’s just the best (and worst at the same time).”

Father Of Daughters

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“Ok its not their 2nd birthday until tomorrow but logistically Monday is a nightmare, so today we celebrated Ottie and delilah’s gradual accent up the maturity curve. Im sure it’s been an odd day for them. One moment they were being put the bed, the next they’ve been woken up in party dresses, subjected to home done haircuts & paraded into a decorated room, filled with lots of cheering big people with stupid hats on – the look of confusion painted across their faces was priceless. It then dawned us that, other than eachother, they don’t really have any friends which was kind of sad, but I’m sure that will change. I can’t wait until they’re 5 & were left incharge of 20 kids sugar filled kids charging round soft play for their party like human bulldozers – then I’ll be wishing they were social recluses again!”

Father Of Daughters

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“It’s the age old conundrum that accompanies every day out with young kids – “shall we skip their afternoon nap?”. At the time, everyone is running around filled with so much sugar that any more, they’d be white cubes that you could drop into your tea or coffee, the sun’s beaming down, wines been poured & squeals of laughter float out to sea on the cool coastal breeze, yet in the back of your mind, you know that you’re making a trade off – great times now but by 5.30pm Armageddon will be thrust upon you as they crash and burn quicker than an unmanned prototype space shuttle designed by 3 year olds with a crayon. We obviously decided to push through – from ice-cream covered life lovers, to sofa dwelling depressives into the space of 30 minutes – It’s hard when you’re two isn’t it…”

Father Of Daughters

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“I don’t really do events but when you’ve got a lady on your arm looking hotter than a volcano with anger issues in a sauna, it’s important to make the most of the evening. Yes I got drunk, yes I was one of only 10 men in a room full of women adorned in wonderful dresses, and yes, I can’t pose without looking like a robot with stiff joints, but I get to take the princess home and the glass slipper fits like a glove. The fairy tale ending is all mine.”

Father Of Daughters

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“No one’s happy about bedtime at the moment, especially the twins. The routine used to be so simple – Change, feed, whack on the musical mobile, kiss & leave the room so quietly, you could hear a baby mouse fart – Done. Over the last 2 years however, We’ve buckled to the demands of the mini dictators with whom we share genetic code in order to buy silence which has resulted a routine that is quite frankly ridiculous. The whole process takes around 90 mins if we’re lucky – bath, teeth, wrestle nappies on, choose PJs, remove PJs as they don’t have bunnies on, find a twin that’s run off & hidden behind clemmie’s clothes, put nappies on again, give them milk, ensure they have more soft toys than an assassin who went to a fair ground, cleaned up on the duck hunt & promptly won all the cuddly bears, read a book, deal with a tantrum, argue over who had the dummy last, put them in one cot together to read, separate them after extensive hair pulling, kiss, hug, kiss again as one twin didn’t feel they got enough first time around, leave, come back in to return to their cots they’ve escape from, then repeat the whole process again until they’re shattered. Then it’s on to the eldest 2! No wonder our adult time has dwindled to 45 minutes in the evening….”

Father Of Daughters

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“This is the moment, almost 11 years ago to the minute, that i ceased being a man child and became man with child. I had become a father for the first time and that red mushy thing I’m hugging is my 1 minute old daughter Anya, who would eventually be the eldest of 4 . She’s been the one to blaze a trail for her sisters & has been burdened with the role of teaching me how to be a parent. She’s made me realise what I’m capable of if I apply myself and has helped me figure out what’s really important in my life. It seems like yesterday that Clemmie & I (aged 22 & 24) had just got home with her and plonked her on the living room floor totally at a loss of what to do next, but 11 years on, we’re all still here, a bit greyer, a bit wiser & still amazed by our baby girl. Happy birthday to the baby that turned into the intelligent, witty and passionate force of nature I know today (swipe right). ”

Father Of Daughters

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“This evening was one of those evening that made wonder if our kids had been given to us simply to test our patience. This is the moment I reprimanded these 2 – butter wouldn’t melt – cherubs after experiencing a bath time was not dissimilar to being a wet ‘n’ wild water park that had been temporarily taken over by a kracken that had lost control of its limbs. The sheer amount of water that came out of the bath and seeped through the floor boards gaps was enough to create a mini waterfall in the room below.At the same time Anya & Marnie decided to play hide and seek, not from eachother, but from us without our knowledge For 20 mins they vanished like a predator in camoflague mode, while the stress in both my & @mother_of_daughters voices boiled over. Let’s just say that school can’t start soon enough for any of us.”

Father Of Daughters

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“In the days before algorithm based romance and soul destroying swiping, people used to use Friday night to get to know eachother – Friday night was date night & last night was no exception, just with one important difference. Said in the nicest way possible so as to avoid unnecessary enquires from social services – last night I decided to hire a baby sitter, got dressed up & took my eldest on a ‘date’ – something I can’t emphasis the importance of enough. So what did it cost? Baby sitter £35, food £30, putting the world to rights over Asian food, cackling like a hyenna’s high on laughing gas & getting to know just a little more about the intelligent, witty & beautiful young women my daughter is becoming – priceless. Of course, we were chaperoned by @mother_of_daughters who suffers from serious FOMO, but it turns out that 3 isn’t a crowd after all – it’s just the right number to feel connected & to feel a little less like parents & a little more like friends. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Never undestimate both the power & importance of date night: Today has been one of those days where I’ve seen the inside of a skip more than I’ve seen my wife. We’ve acted as unpaid Uber drivers, chauffeuring around unappreciative 1 star rated passengers, doing hand overs, drinking cold tea and kissing the backs of eachother heads as we watch eachother walk out the door to perform yet another drop off or dump run. So that’s why date night is so special. For 4 hours we won’t be parents. We won’t be arguing with kids over why they can’t have snacks at 9pm. We won’t be returning escapee minors back to their beds. Yes it costs us £50 before we even leave the house in baby sitter fees, but we get to be us and that is priceless. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Seeing as 90% of my followers are the opposite sex to me, perhaps you can help me work something out. As a father and a man, figuring out the intricacies of female relationships with eachother is more complex than solving a 12 sided Rubiks cube with my toes, blindfolded whilst reciting π to a 1000 decimal places. One moment they’re kissing eachother for no apparent reason, the next, they’re ripping eachothers hair our in clumps so big, they could be used as wigs for dolls. Girls then seem to graduate to emotionally tearing eachother apart which can be 100 times worse than physical attacks. Many female relationships seem like they’re pertually balanced on a knife edge between BFFs and mortal enemies & I’m flummoxed by the whole thing. I’m not saying that men are any better and this is obviously simplistic view but I’m interested as the concept of sisterhood is simple on the outside but a potential minefield on the inside!”

Father Of Daughters

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“As a father of daughters & a family made up of 83% girls, I feel a big responsibility to make sure that all the women of varying sizes in my life grow up in a world where they are seen as equal and not objectified, so today after reading that sexual harassment in public is on the rise, my blood began to boil as the sad fact is that it’s a proportion of my sex that’s to blame. Call it locker room mentality or toxic masculinity or just call it being classless dicks – its certainly men that have to change. New legislation is all well & good but that only comes into effect after the act of harassment is committed. What we need is strong men to stand up & bring about a culture change and to not be afraid to say “that’s not right” when they see or hear something that they know to be wrong, even when amongst friends. If they don’t they are reinforcing that behaviour & are complicit in making life uncomfortable for another human being. Every woman is someone’s daughter, sister, wife or mother and more importantly a person, so don’t let tossers belittle them, threaten them or make them feel worth less than they are. Men – we have to be the change. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Tomorrow morning @mother_of_daughters will be jetting off on holiday with her sister & the big girls, leaving me in sole charge of this pair of professional patience testers (I couldn’t take the time off work to go). It’s my faulty really as I encouraged her to go as a way of getting some much needed 1 on 1 time with Anya & Marnie, but I still can’t help feeling jealous. I’ll be using this opportunity over the next week to dispel (or reinforce) all those commonly held myths about men and what they do when they are left alone to parent i.e. we live off junk food, no washing will be done, flowers Will die, the house will become a squat, the bed won’t get made & the kids will end up resembling particularly hard up, unwashed vagrants. Let’s see what happens. Initial signs aren’t great as this morning, after enduring more whining than a marathon tasting session at a French vineyard, I cracked & gave into the twins demands….For pom bear crisps….At 9.12am. But just look how happy they are!!! Oh god, this may be more of a challenge than I first thought.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Birthdays parties are one of few times in your life can legitimately make it all about you without feeling guilty. To shamelessly get your way and to soak up the attention showered up on you from all directions – perfect both for 3 year old and 36 year olds who haven’t grown up yet (i.e. me). But what happens if you to share that day with someone who’s a mirror image of you and loves nothing more than following you around like a shadow in a heatwave? The answer – a competition to take centre stage – the eventual winner (Ottilie) then led a dance to a seemingly never ending loop of baby shark while the loser (Delilah) clinged me in the kitchen as I make crustless ham sandwiches Picture 3 tells the whole story in one shot! I guess twin like can be hard sometimes. Fyi @mother_of_daughters will kill me for this picture because of “all the chins” but she looks great and I rarely get all my girls in one shot, so suck it up Clemmie, you’re beautiful from all angles. Photos by @rebeccadouglasphotography and me!”

Father Of Daughters

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“T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…..apart from the 4 hyped up children who have main lined festive spirit intravenously & are massively over excited at the prospect of a large guy dressed in red, breaking into our home and leaving presents in their bedroom. Father Christmas is getting advocaat this year as daddy forgot to buy sherry and now I’m banished to the “wrapping room” for the next 2 hours to pay for my sins as once again, I’ve last everything to the last minute. Good luck everyone, merry Christmas and here’s to hoping you don’t see your children eye balling you from the foot of your bed at 3.38am shouting “he came, he came!!!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Yes – I’ve just walked in on a private regression therapy session for twins who can’t cope with growing up.
The time comes in every child’s development that you stop measuring their age in months & they cease being babies. For most parents this milestone is marked with a heavy internal sign of relief that they’ve got through the ‘caring for a ball of flesh’ phase without turning a permanent greyish green that paint companies would no doubt name ‘parent corpse Grey’. This is then immediately followed by weeping over the fact our babies are no longer completely reliant on us & refuse to stop growing despite the sand bags placed on their heads while they sleep. Yet apparently my girls aren’t ready to let go of their hazy rose tinted pre nursery days just yet either & have taken to treating eachother like babies again. I’ve even caught them changing eachother nappies which was a joy all the senses, especially the sense of smell.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Around 100,000 yrs ago, humans developed speech. About a week later, they started arguing about their kids & whether their characters were based on nature or nuture, along with who’d win this season’s ‘caveman’s got talent’. Well, in an effort to put that argument to bed once & for all, 19 mths ago we ‘chose’ to have identical twins as test subjects. We treated them exactly the same & yet they have developed independent characters, (which is primarily how I tell them apart). Ottie is the one who’ll get Delilah her muslin if she’s upset, will be the first to offer a hand for holding to her sister, share her food with those around her & generally be a caring person – also known as being a ‘giver’. Delilah is just a ‘taker’ – no explanation required. This photo captures their relationsip to a T – Ottie provides her uterus room mate with sustainence while Delilah gleefully scoffs it, without so much as a thank you. Today, Delilah literally bit the hand that fed her when ottie tried to hold her hand. Hello naughty step, this is Delilah, get used to her. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“This was the moment I got to hold Ottie, the last addition to team Hooper, for the first time. Although we’re now 100% late for everything, 75% of my girls have turned up early for their birth, over eager to escape the confines of their warm soft home and see what all the fuss was about & seeing as it’s World Prematurity Day I thought I’d share this moment with you. Oh & in case you’re wondering, no I don’t have a festish for exposing myself to midwives or enjoy showing off the results of massive gym sessions (mainly because I don’t have time to go to the gym), it’s actually because I’m doing skin to skin, something I’ve done with all my girls. There’s something very special about that moment. it’s a real physical connection that makes you go from a helpless guy in a room to father in a nano second. Argh I miss their new born ”

Father Of Daughters

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“is it just me or does domestic drama seem to quadruple when one half of the parenting team is away? I’m 6700 miles from home & miss my girls dearly but I’m affraid to call as every conversation is essentially a long list of things that have gone wrong since my departure that I can literally nothing about. Girls got nits? the dog’s experiencing powerful explosive diarrhea that’s turned the house into a scaled down raw sewage plant where everyone gaggs @mother_of_daughters forced to sleep on the sofa with said dog and clear up shit every 2 hours throughout the night. Plumbing broken shorted electrics girls who have given up normal vocal communication & replaced it with shouting & screaming at eachother to say I feel guilty about being on the other side of the world, leaving my other half to pick up the pieces is an understatement – I guess dropping a tonne of money on duty free shopping is the least I can do! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I always wonder how toddlers view festivals as it’s such a break from normal life. They see a lot of adults stand in a field usually reserved for farm animals & watch them slowly regress to being teenagers again, shouting “I love this tune!” Or “who’s this band – I’ve never heard of them”, while embarrasing their families by dancing as if their limbs were independently controlled by an invisible puppet master. They’re treated to a muffled audio experience of the world through neon ear defenders while observing other children run around, seemingly free of supervision (although infact mum & dad are taking turns to have ‘eyes on’ & make sure they don’t stray too far), fuelled by a day long course of glucose supplied by parents wanting an arguement free afternoon. Their nappies get changed under open skies & sleep covered in coats, only to wake and find they are still in same field, but the sun’s gone to bed, everyone’s covered in glitter & daddy is sporting a childs tutu. It must be a very confusing sensory overload, but they seem to love it & a break from norm is something we all need now & again”

Father Of Daughters

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“@mother_of_daughters is back and I, along with many others, are pleased as punch. For the last several weeks I’ve been the boy in the back of the class passing on love notes to the girl in the corner while trying to stand in & fill the void Clemmie left by answering questions (poorly, I might add) on midwifery, parenting, fashion & home décor – It gave me an understanding into how much she contributes not only to my familie’s life , but also this place we call Instagram & to those people that follow her. It felt strange on here without my wife as we give eachother the strength & support when it’s needed while showing perspectives from both sides of parenting team but she needed that break as it’s hard to pour from an empty cup, so please go give her a hello if you can.”

Father Of Daughters

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“As birthdays approach I find myself digging through old photos while sobbing (at my fashion sense mainly) to remind myself of what older girls were like at the twins age. My dad used to say ‘ if you want to be a professional at anything, do one thing really well’ – I guess I found my profession – fathering girls that all basically look exactly the same. This all of my little women at the age of 2. Unless @mother_of_daughters had fleeting affair with a postman as he dropped off yet more boxes after a late night Amazon prime binges, who also happened to be my doppelganger, I’m 100% there’s all mine. Like a finely honed doll factory, We’re genetically predisposed to only churning out one specific type of baby but they’re good ones if I do say so myself. I guess we’re just like to a good pair of Levi’s – strong genes ( #dadjoke ). Now who’s who? Happy official 2nd birthday twinbops, just try not to grow up too quick. Now see a photo of me at the same age on my stories…… Scary. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Forget ultra marathons, this summer has been 2 month long endurance parenting test that’s pushed us beyond what we’d previously thought humanly possible. It’s tested our ability to balance childcare with work & to not forget where the girls are at any one time, our patience with bored kids (despite being offered every activity known to man) & our skills in pulling together meals that aren’t scoffed at my our in-house restaurant critics. @mother_of_daughters & I have be played off eachother, been eaten out of house & home on a daily basis, argued until the blood vessels ruptured in our eyes & confiscated screens over a million times while aging about 20 yrs in the process, but we’ve also laughed a lot, made some memories & emerged at other end of the summer holidays tunnel smiling & without having killed each other, so we must have done something right. Only another 16 more years of this to go before they all leave the nest & I start crying permanently for the rest of my life because I want them back.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Everyone is back to school/ work / nursery tomorrow so like the Romans we divided and conquered. After drawing straws I was allocated the twins and given clear instructions. I decided to spice up what was a mudane evening of rules and lists by blow drying and back combing the twins hair into some kind of 80’s disco bouffon & laughing at the results (if only i had some tiny power suits with shoulder pads then the look would have been complete). @mother_of_daughters was not so happy. In fact her words were along the lines of ‘why have you ruined my babies? Why would you do this to me?!” My response of “because it’s funny” was meet with a face that would literally bring a new ice age, followed by 5 minutes of desperate brushing and a bit of spit to deal with the really unruly bits. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“It would be considerably easier to extract all the salt from the sea than get these two out of it – but like all good things it has to come to an abrupt end at some point & of course its us parents that assume the role of an industrial fun sponge when we announce its time to go home. In the space of 2 hours the girls went from dry clothes to birth suits apart from the water logged nappies that dragged on the ground like a sled, leaving tracks that could be mistaken for an incredibly well hung dog and when it finally came round to trying to leave, we found all 4 of the girls were spread across a half mile of beach, talking to new friends & pretending not to hear our calls. As predicted, we were forced into doing the walk /slow jog of a frustrated parent, mumbling passive aggressive words under our breath to no one in particular as our child evade capture. 40 minutes later we, and half the beach were in the car being hated by our offspring. Sorry guys, but holidays have to end. Fyi if you’re hoping to find that sand left in nappies somehow miraculously turns into a string of pearls, it doesn’t. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Watching these 2 try & hold hands this morning has been hilarious. It’s like all those awkward hand shakes you see on the news between politicians (usually involving Trump). No one seems to know what to do – they shake the same hands, opposite hands, pull each others hair, discuss who’s leading, argue over who wanted to hold hands in the first place & drag each other around from pillar to post to look at some spilt yoghurt on the floor, laugh uncontrollably & the move on to the next random thing to chuckle at (their sense of humour is just too abstract for me to get I guess). It’s a shame our time here at @martinhal is up, it’s genuinely felt like we’ve all had a break & not just done the same stuff as we do at home, just in an oven. Right got pack and get ready for the @destinologyholidays transfer back to grey middle earth we call home. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Sometimes lots of words aren’t needed. This woman is my everything. You are incredible and derseve this night. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“So it turns out that 1). man’s best friend is in fact woman’s best friend and 2). Dog’s are basically like a foreign exchange student who’s so good looking that they have you questioning your own sexually. Despite only taking up lodgings with us a month ago, weighing at a mere fraction of my size & lacking the linguistic skills to communicate in English, Pablo has all 5 women in my life completely under his control as they bend over backwards to please his every desire – will they spoon out dog food for him that makes them gag? – yes. Will they pick up a solidarity towel for me? – Hell no! I can’t compete. But when the funs over with, who’s left holding the shit in thin flimsy paper towel? You guessed it – good old daddy. It’s like school French exchange all over again!(minus the shit). I’m strongly considering dressing up as a dog just to see if I get listened to as apparently my human form just ain’t cutting it anymore. Mind you, with a face like this (see pic 2), I can understand how he manipulates grown adults so easily!”

Father Of Daughters

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“With Anya at a surf lesson & Marnie entertaining bemused on lookers who were trying to figure out if all the blond girls were ours, @mother_of_daughters went to forage for snacks at the local shop (& stretched it out for 20mins – love those jobs where you’re selling it as a good deed for the family, but in actual fact, you’re just stealing a break), leaving me in charge of the girls who’s names I don’t know (the twins). Her instruction of “On no account let the girls get wet or sandy as we don’t have spare nappies or clothes” drifted out to sea on the Cornish breeze & straight passed my selective hearing ears. Within 3 mins, they looked like they had been in a bath fully clothed, their lips had turned a beautiful shade of hypothermia blue & had sand in every known human crevice but were having a riot at the same time. Upon Clemmie’s return, I was on the recieving end of mum glare – If looks could kill, I’d be staring at the inside of a box right now. Tonight will no doubt be like wiping babies bums with 80 grit sandpaper. Oh Joy. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“The girls have now been going to nursery for 2 weeks & although they love it, the morning routine is still the same:
Step 1 – perform intricate human origami to get them into the car seat before they have a chance to impersonate a steel girder.
Step 2 – drive to nursery wishing I had arms with 3 elbows so I could reach the sodding toy they’ve dropped that’s taken up residence in the one dark recess I can’t reach without pulling over. Step 3 – wipe the blood from ears resulting from the 10 minutes of screaming. Step 4 – remove the girls from the car who have now bedded into their seats deeper than a tick who’s on a blood binge after breaking up with their boyfriend. Step 5 – walk them to the door & distract them by pointing a random directions saying there’s a horse. There’s no horse. Step 6 – walk them in, put bags on hooks and watch their faces as they convince themselves I’ve traded them in for the horse I mentioned earlier. Step 7 – leave feeling like a terrible human being. Step 8 – return 8 hours later to twins that have decided the horse trade was fair as they prefer it at nursery anyway. step 9 – repeat steps 1 through 8 tomorrow.
I love being a dad. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“The excitement of going on holiday as the single male chaperone to my ‘girls on tour’ is balanced out by the knowledge that we’ll be doing 90% of the same life admin as usual, just with the temperature turned up & wearing a fraction of the clothing we normally would. True to form, we played ‘lets put the twins in the pool without a swim nappy’ roulette and lost twice as we spun the wheel & it came up brown, the UHT milk substitute has gone down like a lead balloon filled with uranium, all hair as increased in volume 4 fold & the villa is starting to look like a nudist retreat for delinquent children. That said, were all happy, screen time is a operating at bare minimum & Clemmie has already turned the colour of roasted chestnut while the rest of us are applying after sun, so that counts as a success. No one said a family holiday with so many kids was ever going to be easy, but it’s definitely less stressful without the pressure of the usual daily routine, which is very much appreciated! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Twins are strange creatures. One moment they can be dragging eachother around by the hair & screaming into eachothers faces like two hard-of-hearing elderly bag women arguing of some rancid shoes from a bin, the next they are stroking their little faces while force feeding eachother dentist chair style. I can only assume that they been totally bereft of any parental supervision while I was pissing about on a bike in the German country side, and that they have taking on survival skills to ensure they make through another day of being children no. 3 & 4 in a house of unruly girls. Future ‘The island’ constants perhaps? That or rearing livestock. Note that Ottie didn’t offer to swap positions & drank the whole thing. She makes me so proud. And yes, Delilah has got a nappy over her PJs because”

Father Of Daughters

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“The way you dress your kids says alot about you. Despite the amateur wrestling match that’s accompanied by a continual white noise that has passers by wondering if someone had been murdered, @mother_of_daughters gets everyone looking so refined, they wouldn’t look out of place at a royal wedding (apparently the ‘living Victorian doll’ look she’s trying to push is very in right now). I on the other hand end up dressed in the same garms every day – My dad uniform of jeans, grey sweatshirt and trainers – accompanied by children that look like they’ve have been on an all night bender, dressed in eye jarring combinations of PJ’s mixed with dirty sports wear. We have the same amount of time to get the dresses and access to the same clothes – how do I get it so wrong 90% of the time?! Is this a man thing, or just a me thing? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Happy birthday to this one – The one that found the fountain of youth and doesn’t seem to age, while I go off quicker than that non descript bowl of food wrapped in cling film at the back of the fridge that no one wantd to open. In her 34 years on this planet she’s nailed being a midwife, mother, author, jewellery designer, fashion influencer, a cushion pusher (interior designer), champion of honest parenting and body positivity and who knows where shell head next. All I know is that I’m lucky enough to call her my best friend and soul mate. She is a force of nature and I’m glad I got swept up in her storm.”

Father Of Daughters

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“The instructions to their etsy bought emergency escape hot air balloon seemed clear enough – balloon at the top, basket at the bottom. unfortunately, with no diagrams to guide them & an understanding of basic physics that Einstein’s pet gerbil would think was laughable, they’d messed up the scales, meaning that their plans to escape the confines of the house that overflows with both noise & oestrogen didn’t quite get off the ground. Ottie & Delilah had been thwarted by gravity again, leaving them to feel deflated & a bit stupid for thinking it would work in the first place.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Our Twins arrived into the world a couple weeks early, but we knew that would probably happen & had time to prepare. There are babies however, who arrive so early that they weigh no more than half a loaf of bread and need a lot of specialist care and support to keep on fighting. Pampers have developed its new ‘P3’ nappy just for premature babies and is donating 3 million of them to UK hospitals – you can get a feel for just how tiny they are on a doll compared to my relatively small 15 month old! Pampers are also donating £1 to @Blisscharity for every photo you share of your baby with a raised first using #powerofbabies. Not hard to get involved so get digging through those baby pictures. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“For a while, we thought we had mimes for children – they were essebtially mute. Then at around 18 months, the beginnings of garbled semi constructed words can forth – To the average Joe, their nonsensical rambles made less sense than when your auntie Jean decides to talk to you about your life after she’d silently knocked back the world’s supply of G&T at a wedding, but to us, as their parents, they made perfect sense, after all, we held the key to unlocking their heavily encrypted drivel. Now however they are starting to string sentences together and noises that resemble coherent words fill our ears from dawn to dust. They still whisper to eachother in their own language and run off giggling , but our little girls don’t seem quite so little anymore & I for one will be signing a petition to stop this nonsense – I want my babies back – I quite liked it when they were mute.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Off to vote. It’s relatively simple to tell the parties apart from their manifestos and pledges (that will no doubt be watered down when we can’t afford them). However telling the twins apart is a different matter. Just when I think I’ve nailed it, I wake up to find they’ve obviously held a meeting, decided I was getting too cocky having identified them correctly for 4 days running & somehow squeezed & morphed under the cover of darkness to magically look more similar than ever – you could slot a mirror between them & I genuinely wouldn’t I know if it was a reflection or if it’s actual twin. I’m now forced to look like a terrible parent, call them ‘this one’ and ‘that one’ again, address them as simply ‘twins’ or just avoiding saying names at all – is it a dad thing or do all parents struggle with twins? That said, their characters are coming through which is making it easier – Ottie is the dominatrix & Delilah is the submissive. Is that a bad comparison? Probably. Oh well.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Putting these 2 to bed tonight got me thinking about the families whose daughters & sons didn’t come home last night, those children who became victims of the tragic events that unfolded in Manchester last night & how those parents won’t get to kiss their kids goodnight. As a parent, you always do you best to shield your children from the darkness that exists in the world, but sometimes your best efforts can’t stop bad things happening to defensless victims who are just going about their lives. I hope that as my children grow up, the next generation can see a way through all the hatred that exists today and find a way to live harmoniously. Variety is the spice of life – learning about other cultures, beliefs and ways of living helps develop your own views, builds intelligence and enriches your life experiences. We just need a bit more love in the world. My thoughts are with the families that have been effected. Give your kids an extra big hug tonight. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Motivating a child to move that flattly refuses to use their own legs to support their body weight can be so frustrating, you end up developing a permenant eye twitch so dramatic, everyone around you thinks you’re trying to flirt with them.
I’d employed the tried & tested method of walking away from the statue like infant until they are a mere dot on the horizon while repeatedly saying “I’m leaving now”, but like a dog who’d released they were about to be dragged to vets, she refused to budge, so, with no buggy, my parents carrying the shopping & me not willing to waste my already diminished bicep strength on carrying yet another child, I employed what I had available – A bag for life. It worked a treat – the only draw back – I now have one arm that Mr tickle would be jealous of. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Monday’s are always difficult, and not just because it’s the start of the working week. @mother_of_daughters heads offbat 4.45am to have a break from us to work, leaving me in charge of coordinating both the am & pm routines which can be more challenging than starting a fire with a tray of ice cubes. As the sun rose, everything was fine, but I can only assume that Ottie urinated in delilah’s imaginary tea in the home corner at nursery, as upon arriving at home this evening, world war 3. Delilah silently decided to use Ottie as a budget floor mop & dragged her by the hair through her own dinner like a plough, forcing me to reluctantly dust off my invisible referees outfit once again & quite literally keep them at arm’s length from eachother until bedtime. Who else out there just loves Mondays? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“We’re told that through evolution, the human race is getting taller, but I’m pretty sure that we’re actually shrinking – the reason? Shoulder rides.
With the need to push a double buggy around dwindling, 2 things have happened. 1). The number of pedestrian deaths were responsible for has dramatically reduced as people are no longer forced off the pavement & into on coming traffic to get round us, and 2). My shoulders now have a child surgically grafted to them, resulting in hot thighs clamped around. my neck like some kind of a heated meat scarf & the pleasure of being steered by my own hair .Oh who am I kidding – I love shoulder rides & so does ever other dad out there. It’s what were made for.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Usually I’d spend time crafting a meandering witty story about the trials and tribulations of my family life and how when it’s your birthday as a parent Its impossible to blow out candles without child assistance or how you have to give up present opening rights to satisfy kids that love ripping open gifts even if the contents aren’t for them. I can’t write any of that as I’m running late for dinner with the birthday girl, so all I’ll say is happy birthday to the woman I love. @mother_of_daughters you’re one in a billion and you haven’t aged a day from the moment I met you. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Children are basically human versions of a ‘find my phone’ app – as annoying as it maybe, if kids are making a noise, you then at least know where they are, it’s when they’re silent that you need to worry as it usually results in a mess I’ll get blamed for, a lot of scrubbing & a dubious home insurance claim. This evening I walked in on the aftermath of ‘operation sunblock’ – a covert operation to liberate all the suncream from my confines of my bedside drawer. The results – 2 well moisturised guilty looking girls who smelt like holiday & won’t be getting a tan anytime soon & a floor more slippery that an overexcited eel who’d just won a jelly wrestling competition. Lessons to learn: 1). if its silent, something bad is happening & 2). I will always be the blame even if when I’m nowhere near the scene of the crime. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Everyday in my house is #internationalwomensday & in our little microcosm of the world – if you aint rockin’ a vagina you ain’t nobody – Beyonce’s right – girls run the world (Or my world more specifically) However as father of daughters, I find it hard to believe that I’m bringing up 4 little women in a world where a gender equality gap still exists. We aim to encourage our girls to be the very best versions of themselves that they can be, to be inspired by strong women who have forged the way & to achieve whatever they set their minds to. They need not look any further than their own @mother_of_daughters for that inspiration. She’s a mother to 4, a midwife that’s helped 1000’s of women believe in themselves & their bodies, she’s written a book & supported women who start their own businesses. To all women everywhere – Get out there, be who you want to be and #beboldforchange. Tag an inspiration women and spread the love. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“The 1980s Mish mash of yellow bricks, electrical wiring & copper piping in background is the place that we’ve called home for the last 4 years, 5 weeks, 2 days and 9 hours. Originally I thought it was a monstrosity – a 6 year olds attempt at architecture that some Muppet actually built, but during the time we’ve lived here, it’s become the place we’ve made memories together, a place in which we’ve doubled the amount of girls were responsible for and watched our children grow. After all the hassle of making the move happen, I’ve finally had time to reflect and although I’m sad we’re moving on from the only home the twins have known, it’s time for a new family to etch their height marks on the door frames, and in turn, for us to start a new chapter in our family book of life. Thanks house – you’ve been a good ‘un (and a special thanks @philippajames for this photo – it’s a keeper).”

Father Of Daughters

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“This is a long one, but it’s worth it so bear with me. Day 6 & my parents are driving across the country to come & provide a helping hand. Having been on our own for so long, I’ve been running food stocks at bare minimum levels but after gazing into the fridge this morning, it became apparent that unless I wanted to feed my mum & dad cling film wrapped bowls of non descript half eaten meals, out of date yoghurts & veg that was growing new species, we were going to have to do a food shop before they arrived. Hands down the worst experience of the week – Delilah escaped the buggy & while chewing a pack of new Zealand lamb, proceeded to run away from me like a dog that had been stung in the arse by a genetically modified hornet. Minutes later a security guard returned her to me while I pleaded with ottie not to open the yoghurts. She ignored me & proceeded to dip her entire fist into it & do a picasso on the buggy. Oh joy. When we got to the checkout, i proceeded to unload everything from my basket , only to do a 180 & find my 2 Rays of sunshine had got out of their restraints again & were now proceeding to strip quicker than an overenthusiastic nudist on the first day of their holidays – Coats were thrown, wellies were discarded & trousers we round ankles. After members of the public helped load my shopping, i dressed them only for them to then scream solidly for the next 5 minutes without breath as I waited for everything to be scanned. I could actually feel my ass sweating from the stress as all eyes burnt holes in my head. I then forgot my pin number & after struggling to pull together enough cash , I realised I’d bought so much I couldn’t carry it home without ripping my fingers to bloody shreds. To top it all, I got home only to realise I’d left the beer I bought on the floor by the tils. As you can imagine, the twins & I aren’t talking right now. We need some space.”

Father Of Daughters

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“After a day that started at 2.30am and yet somehow managed to be late to the car park, the airport check in and the plane (think Home Alone and the family running through the airport and you’re close) we got to #kastellihouse to find this beautiful vista. What made it even more special was sharing it with these girls, the twins and Clemmie (even though we spent a fair out time acting as mobile human fences around the pool & doing the standard holiday shop in a local supermarket of buying loads of random stuff and just forking over notes without any thought as to how much it actually cost. @scottwilliamsvillas have outdone themselves with this one. And with my parents turning up tomorrow, life is pretty sweet right now. Now off to BBQ some pork…”

Father Of Daughters

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“Sharing is caring. Unless you’re talking about a hamster, in which case, sharing can take a long walk off a short pier in concrete boots. Although we have 2 hamsters, it’s fluffy (The least originally named hamster in world) that my heart goes out to as without making a conscious choice, he looks like a soft toy and is therefore the one that gets loved to death by the ottie and Delilah. It’s like watching Of mice and Men in real time as their claw like hands simultaneously grab for him and enter into a battle of who can love him the most. Taking turns doesn’t computer for these 2, so inevitably one twin tests the sound proofing of the house by screaming, while the other vigorously massages him until he’s returned the to relative safety of his cage where he no doubt thinks about what he’s going to say at his next ‘over handled pets’ support group. Oh the life of a pet around toddlers. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Competitive parenting is one thing I’m not into, but when your the parent you’re competing against happens to be yourself, there’s rarely ever a winner. This is the battle im locked into, foever trying to out-do myself & no doubt it will eventually lead to my demise. One day they’ll find my cold corpse on the floor, scissors in hand, covered in poster Paint, glitter & hot glue anf although initially they’ll suspect I’ve been murdered by a Blue Peter presenter accompanied by Mr. Maker & Neil Buchanan from Art Attack, the culprit will in fact be myself. whether it’s birthdays, Christmas or in this case – the most hated of days for parents – World book Day – I always over engineer things. At least I’ll die knowing I tried my best, my girls had smiles beaming from ear to ear & that Anya scooped best costume this year, earning herself some sweets & a solo twirl on stage at assembly this morning – That’s a parenting win from beyond the’glitter clovered’ grave.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Like most people that live in a country where the skies are a colour a paint company might name ‘elephant’s depression’ for 60% of the year, as soon as the sun pokes it head out to prove it’s still capable of producing more heat than a dead goldfish, we get all over excited, so decided to head out for lunch & an afternoon on the beach. This photo captures the only 2 seconds where all 6 of us were sitting down. The rest of time was spent checking on the dead dog fish on the beach that had been prodded by every child in a 200m radius, stopping Delilah licking a dog’s face, changing nappies that were filled precisely as the moment our food was brought out, stopping Ottie from doing her standard ‘haunted shop mannequin’ impression that involves licking the windows of the pub, moving all sauces to another table in an effort to ensure the girls actually eat some food with their ketchup and going to the car to retrieve toddler paraphernalia to keep the noise level down from tinnitus inducing to just blood dropping out the ears. Lunch out is always a challenge but we came home happy & tired. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Ottie & Delilah still confuse the hell out of me but I’m starting to see differences. They could be mistaken for a narcissistic toddler starring in the mirror, yet they’re obviously wired differently when it comes to tackling everyday problems that 18mth olds face. Much like a team building exercise at work that no one really a cares about (apart from Phil in finance) this morning the twins tackled the age old conundrum since bowls were invented – “How do I drink the milk at the bottom of the sodding bowl if the bowl’s stuck to the table?” Ottie opted for the traditional ‘spoon the milk on the table & face plant in it’ – standard. Delilah thought outside the box & employed brute strength to overcome the gravity of the entire planet & poured the bowl, tray still attached, down her gullet. Somedays I struggle to express in words just how proud I am of these 2.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Will any of my daughters follow basic instructions when I dish them out and then repeat them like a skipping record until I bore myself? No. Will they become compliant balls of putty that perform tasks like a well trained seal when asked by a complete stranger in rubber gloves who’s wielding a sharp implement? Yep, all day long. In fact, Delilah was obviously experiencing some sort of Stockholm syndrome during her check up as she gazed at her interrogator longingly in the eyes for the entire duration of this check up which was frankly weird to watch. Kids really do do anything for a sticker these days – at least she wasn’t scared I guess, it’s just a shame a family check up takes half a day now and involves up taking up an entire waiting room!”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“With the world and his wife winding down before the Xmas break, everyone is cramming in their last meetings for the year and as a result meeting space is at a premium. Therefore Ottie and Delilah were ‘forced’ to hold their daily ‘How can be trash this place & make life difficult for people over 4ft tall’ brain storming session in a cupboard. After a couple of minutes of squeaks & giggles (the minutes from these meetings but be a proper pain in the arse to write up), the agenda fell to bits as their blue sky thinking was interrupted but Mr. Oinkington. Known as the office fun sponge, he had a client call and having had reserved this particular shelf in advance, was pissed off. The twins told him to sod off & laughed in his snouty face. I just hold they don’t hope they work together when they’re older – their manager would have a nightmare on their hands. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“This evening while running the bath, I glanced up check on the twins & was greeted by the sight of 4 indentical little girls sitting in a circle having a tea party with @mother_of_daughters cosmetics. In that split second my heart stopped, jumped out of my mouth, hurled itself through the closed window, landing on the road & was promptly flattened by a passing lorry. Like the egg they once came from, they had seemingly divided & I’d aged 20 years instantly in the process. Had tesco messed up & put a boat load of magic mushrooms on that pizza I gave the kids for tea, but eventually ate 90% of myself? Was I tripping my nut off?! I know there’s only 2 of them, but I was actually genuinely relieved when my lethargic sleep deprived brain caught up with my eyes & I clocked the mirror. I salute parents of triplets or more – you guys are true heros. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Swipe right if you dare. The problem with being competitive, especially with yourself, if that you’re always trying to out do previous efforts and in the process, make your children believe you can do anything. The twins decided that cats were fine for their Halloween costumes (or the pussy cat dolls as I nicknamed them) however Anya wanted something a bit more shocking, so after a YouTube tutorial, £20 on latex and fake blood & heavily raiding @mother_of_daughters cosmetics, I dived headfirst into mastering special FX make up to satisfy my daughter (see stories). I’m pretty pleased with the outcome, but I’m already shitting myself about next year! Fyi here’s a lesson – don’t play spooky music out the windows and turn all your lights green unless you want a never ending stream of people coming to your door and cleaning you out of £40 worth of sweets. Why do I have to go so over the top all the time??!! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“It’s taken 9 months from conception to being fully formed, involved sleepless nights, back ache, loss of hair & hormonal imbalances that have meant I’ve been as emotionally stable as bowl of microwaved jelly, but today was my due date. As some of you may have noticed, I’m distinctly lacking in the ovaries department but I’ve finally managed to deliver my own very own baby. Please welcome to the world my 5th child – Forever Outnumbered – (she’s definitely going to bullied at school with a name like that) – she’s perfect in every way, has made people snort tea with laughter & we couldn’t be prouder. Get you hands on my baby in hard back, audio or ebook version from today (link my bio)! Just goes to show that with dedication, passion, the support of the people around you & the ability to operate on less sleep than a professional insomniac in training for a no-sleep marathon, you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. I hope everyone enjoys it & remember it’s for anyone that likes my writing, not just parents! (Fyi the twins aren’t happy about the new arrival) cover photo by @philippajames”

Father Of Daughters

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“Yes I do look like the mid 30’s love child of a Disney Princess and the Easter bunny or perhaps an unsuccessful drag act you’d find on a cruise liner who specialises in animal impressions, but this what happens when you let you children projectile vomit the contents of the dressing up box onto you. Clemmie walked in on us after l having called us for dinner multiple times to find what must look like the hangers-on who are still sleeping in field 2 days after the festival finished – me, a blond Bob Dylan lookalike, a fairy & a disgruntled Delilah who was livid that the very hungry Caterpillar costume was covered in welded on weetabix. Clemmie turned & walked out in silence – you said you’d take me in sickness and in health – well dressing up is my sickness. Now, how do you dislocate your shoulders to get out of this human body trap? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Some people have birds on their shoulders, others have ferrets or chipmunks – I have Ottilie the human necklace graphed to me. Like a scared cat whose bolted up a tree or a tick that had bedded down for a feed, she had dug her claws in and refused to budge. In fact she decided to have a rest here while I made tea which was as helpful as a solitary wet wipe when your child had done an up-the-backer. Don’t you worry about my neck sweet heart, I don’t use those top vertebrae much anyway. Having a vertical perspective on life is so 2016.”

Father Of Daughters

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“This is what happens when you leave your sister in charge of bathing the twins, who then promptly take complete advantage of the situation and decide to make the contents of the room, including my sister, wetter than a soppy haddock watching back to back rom-coms while in a bath of evian. Mind you, I still think it might be drier than @thebigfeastival where we’re heading tomorrow with the Fam (weather is supposed to be better – fingers crossed). Do come along and say at if you’re there as @mother_of_daughters and I will knocking about & be doing book signings sat next to each other while my parents wrestle the girls and stop them from consuming all the sugar in the known universe ( it’s obviously not a competition, but if my line could be longer than clemmie’s, it would be much appreciated!) See you there!”

Father Of Daughters

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“I think may have found the ulimate formula for knocking kids out. Take one lazy morning of dossing about in PJs until midday. Add a 30 minute car journey with heaters on full whack and mix in a 90 minute walk / sprint in the woods to let their curiosity run riot. Stir in a late pub lunch with no limits on what you can order, all eaten next to an roaring open fire. Then leave them to simmer in a hot bath for 20 minutes and soak in warm milk while you torch them with a hair dryer on Mediterranean setting. You’ll know they’re done when they eyes are welded shut and their head is flopped over like a drunk flamingo. At that point you can take deep inhalations of their drowsy aroma, as demonstrated by @mother_of_daughters and finally pop them in their beds for a slow cook of 10 to 12 hours, before realising that knackering kids out is tiring work and promptly pass out on the sofa. I love a good Sunday.”

Father Of Daughters

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“After hitting london, Leeds, Manchester and on to Spain in the last 24 hours, I’m looking forward to a shedding the heavy titles of ‘mum & dad’ for the weekend & get to be just us. So here’s to 48 hours of not having our schedule dictated to by 4 girls whose combined age is only just over half my own. To swapping bottle feeding for bottle downing, nappies for swim shorts and eating leftovers for meals that we actually get to choose. I Bet you we still wake up at stupid o’clock though as having kids has robbed us of the ability to lie in! Thanks to my parents for making this possible & giving us a sanity break to attend a special wedding – just watch that sugar intake while we’re away! I don’t fancy peeling children with dinner plates for eyes off the ceiling upon our return!”

Father Of Daughters

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“And so were in. And by ‘in’ , I mean living in a house that is 50% cardboard boxes, 50% stress. Unpacking is like a shit game of deal or no deal but instead of the £20,000 top prize, I’m just after my pants and a mug to make tea but finding those is less likely than my children saying thank you for making their rooms all cosy and tidy before all the other rooms. We’ve now had fish and chips for 2 nights on the trot & the main reason for that is a pretty big oversight on our part – we don’t have a fridge. Now everything is slowly decomposing in freezer bags in the garden and breeding new life in the form of mould while we consolidate our dried food rations. But all that aside, we’re happy and although the kids still see this as a holiday in someone else’s house, I’m sure that will change when they hit school on Monday! Right, off to go assault more boxes to give up their contents. I need pants!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Sunday funday – Have a go at captioning this photo.
As small people, we spend our early years cramming our sponge like brains with essential information – no, im not talking about knowing what inflation is, how mortgages work or the importance of lane discipline when driving. Instead we train our grey matter to link noises to farm yard animals as you never know when you’ll need to pick a rouge pig out of police identify parade while blindfolded. Today delilah got to put her training to use as it was the first time she’d encountered a horse at close quarters. Instead of being daunted by its sheer mass as it loomed over her petite frame, she starred it straight in the eyes & stayed locked there for 15 secs before the horse retreated. As she strolled away triumphantly, she looked off into the distance & muttered the word ‘nay’. That girl has literally no fear.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Its the age old conundrum – for no good reason, your child has decided to do an impression of a 40 tonne boulder, welded themselves to the middle of the street & refuse to budge despite bribery so excessive that the courts would have you up on criminal charges, so what do you do?
A – sit down with them & have a 7 minute counselling session to understand their issues & broker a treaty so you can all move on with your lives. B – pretend to leave with over exaggerated waving and loud shouts of “ok, I’m going now” in the vein hope they follow C – make a scene while trying not to by gently levering said child (who seems to have magically tripled in weight) from their new home while muttering things like “oh, you silly thing” or ” these kids…hahaha” through gritted, forced smiling teeth as you slowly boil inside or D – pick the child up, chuck them over your shoulder & leave the scene with a rigid screaming kid quicker than a getaway driver who’s released the police are closing in on them because you’ve got shit to do & refuse to be held hostage by a toddler. I’m a B & C man myself, but D is usually where we end up. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Going to any festival or outdoor excursion as a family in the UK is bound to involve rain at some point. It’s nature’s way of testing whether you’re fair weather folk who cower in tents or hardcore mud lovers who laugh in the face of the elements. Therefore one essential piece of kit if your going to go all out is of course @hunterboots that compliment your fancy dress costumes because the last thing you would want is boring footwear that brings down your carefully orchestrated mermaid ensemble – so yesterday as the clouds gathered over head, we all donned our boots of varying sizes & colours to be prepare for mother natures worst & to look good while we do it. I think we pulled it off although in retrospect perhaps should have forced myself into a mermaid onesie too to complete the look”

Father Of Daughters

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“This seems like a lifetime ago. Yes, 7 years ago today we became a family of 4 & just like that, the male representation in the household plummeted from 33 to 25% – Little did I know it would continue to nose dive as I was destined to eventually be surrounded by 5 women but I wouldn’t change a thing. When Marnie arrived in our lives, Anya was initially besotted, but the novelty wore off & she soon declared she wanted us to take her back to train station where apparently we’d got her from. Im glad we didn’t put her on the 10.43 to Bristol temple meads as I couldn’t be prouder of the young lady she’s become. Shes polite, makes friends quicker than I ever could & cares about others. She’s a dreamer, an artist & a gymnast. Shes care free but wears he heart on sleeve, is a great big a sister to the twins & has a laugh you can’t not join in with. She’s everything I could hope a young girl could be. And yes, before you comment, I was carrying a little holiday weight in this picture while Clemmie obviously sleeps in some kind of ‘fountain of youth’ floation tank – she’s not aged one bit. Happy birthday my gorgeous girl. Mummy and daddy think you’re the bee’s knees. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“With @mother_of_daughters out on the razz, I got home to Clemmie’s mum settling the girls (FACT OF THE DAY: grandparents are awesome) & found the twins completely unwilling to come to me as I was in full black & white lycra – they obviously think I’m some kind of man / killer whale combo here to sweat on them, which isn’t far from the truth. The big girls didn’t come to greet me either & continued doing whatever it is girls do in their rooms – I’m hoping it was researching a cure to cancer but it’s unlikely. Then I heard what I assumed was foxes have rough voyeuristic sex outside my front door, but upon further investigation, it turned out to be the twins barking at eachother in the dark. So with gaga gone, no one to supervise me & having not seen my babies all day, I immediately broke the rules, picked them up & played balancing for 15 minutes cuz that’s what dad’s do – we mess up the routine, trash the house & make kids laugh uncontrollably until they need to sleep. Tag a dad who knows the score. My work here is done.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Ottie & Delilah finally turned 1 today after what seems to have been a very long and testing year. Who knew twins would be such hard work?! BIG UP to all of our family and friends for the love and support you’ve given us at the times when we most needed it. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years while @mother_of_daughters seems to remain around the 25 mark. Dam her and her wonderful skin. We’ve learnt a lot in the last 365 days not just about bringing up little women but also ourselves – we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for & a great team. Happy birthday twinbops I’m glad you guys are around – life would be too quiet without you girls. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Tonight we won at parenting: Being working parents of 4 is tough on a relationship – I’ve seen so little of @mother_of_daughters this week . Here’s a list of things I genuinely seen more of than my wife in the last 7 days: my children’s bare naked arses, the downstairs bathroom walls, the same naked guy I’ve got changed next to everyday this week after cycling to work, the inside of the fridge (I stand and stare there quite a bit), the @rightmove website. That’s why we’ve lied to the kids about the time and get everyone to bed at 7.15pm. Screw the family admin, we’re ordering food, and watching crap. Most importantly, we’re doing it together. Team work. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Yes I’m posting a picture similar to @mother_of_daughters this evening but guess what, weve left #kastellihouse and we’re actually out together on a date for the first time 6 months – without children crawling around our ankles or bouncing off the ceiling as they complain that they can’t have a 3rd fanta after I told them at the start of the meal they’d only get 1. Yet, for all grief we get when we go out, we’re currently watching other peoples kids playing in the water next to us and talking about how we need to bring them here tomorrow night – So much for trying to not talk about the little people. We could actually pass for a newly wed couple with no kids, little do they know that Ive been with this wonder woman for coming up 12 years this year and we have 4 amazing daughters. Have to pinch myself sometimes that she picked me and I have my girls. Now to just gotta get rid of the Sean Penn lookalike who photobombed our picture & is apparently peeing in our water bottle to make it perfect.”

Father Of Daughters

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“The time has come in my life that I have to acknowledge something that I’ve been putting off for a while now. No, it’s not that I won’t become a male model because, we’ll just look at that face and posture (I’m surprised Select hasn’t been hammering on my door) . The thing I’m referring to is that despite having the upper body strength of a gorilla who hits the gym too hard (probably), I’m no longer capable of carrying both ottie & Delilah at the same time for longer than a few minutes without producing wheezing sounds, my face turning a shade of crimson & my vertabre crumpling like a second hand accordion who’s heart isn’t in it any more. I put on a brave face & juggle them about to secure my failing grip, but alas, they are just too heavy even for my mighty frame. One day they were silent & basically filled with helium, the next they’re made from cast iron & arguing with me about the menu for dinner – our babies are no longer babies and I’m kind of sad about it. Having tiny twins was hard, but letting that time go seems to be harder.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Today we experienced one of those mornings when each parent thinks the other one has responsibility for the kids & carries on doing important life admin like inspecting the ever increasing army of grey hairs in their hair line, only to discover that in fact neither adult has eyes on the small people, leaving them like the lost boys of Neverland – without parental supervision. You stop, Your blood freezes harder than the lasanga you put in the fridge 6 months ago & forgot about & immediately accuse the other parent of not paying attention. Luckily for us, the twins has steered clear of the sharpy pens & instead decided to opt to conduct a self taught roller skate lesson on ‘ the family ankle snappers’. They had about as much coordination as bambi on ice with a stonking hangover and an inner ear infection. Fun to watch though”

Father Of Daughters

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“No this isn’t curling training – this is community service. If you live in this house there is one law that is etched into your grey matter at birth – if you make a mess, you are responsible for clearing it up. However this law (besides taking & not paying 5p for carrier bags) has to be the most commonly broken law ever. The problem is that the parenting police force is so depleted that offenders flee the scene before we get there, resulting in us throwing wild accusations in all directions under our breath while we once again picking crap off the floor. In most cases, no one is ever singled out in the police line up apart from good old Mr. Nobody (who should be doing back to back life sentences if he’s done half the stuff he’s been accused of) so they all leave, free to offend again. This time however, we caught the twins trashing the utility room & the judge (@mother_of_daughters ) & jury (me) showed little leniency, ending their crime spree in community service – I.e. 5 minutes of sweeping. It’s fun being a law maker. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I’d like to introduce you to an invention I created this morning called ‘The multipurpose kiss’ – a kind of 2 for 1 deal that says ‘hello, I missed you’ whilst simultaneously saying ‘goodbye, I’m abandoning you again’. Having returned from switzerland for a total of 6 hours and with less sleep under my belt than an professional insomniac, I’m now topping up my carbon footprint by jumping on yet another plane, but this time for work. This means I get to use my special corporate funded super power! It’s a kind of crap X-ray vision that allows me to see the inside of boring places like hotels, airports, planes and offices & nothing else. I’ll be accompanied by my ever faithful side kick – a very large awkwardly shaped bag that’s marked ‘extra heavy’ which contains all the guilt I’ll be carrying with me from leaving @mother_of_daughters solo and most importantly, from missing Ottie and Delilah’s 3rd birthday. Thank you Clemmie for supporting me, I know it’s not easy and I really do appreciate it even though I may not say it sometimes. You are a hero.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Sorry to get all deep & meaningful on a Monday but I’ve been asked to write a piece on ‘what feminism means to me as a father of 4 daughters’ & it’s had me sweating icebergs as this can be a tricky subject. Although I’m the only one that can answer this, I’m interested in what the word ‘feminism’ actually means to you in today’s screwed up world & whether you agree with my view.
Before I started out on my mission to single handled doubling the female population, feminism conjured up images of a super race of giant wonder women holding the skulls of their male oppressors while their flag of 2 crossed burning bra’s flowed in the winds of change. However, over time, I’ve come to realise it’s more than a collection of female led actions for equality. in fact, in a strange way it’s actual men that need to embrace feminism & jointly lead a cultural shift in ways of thinking as without that happening, equality is like a mythical unicorn – something you read about but never actually see. what do you think? Photo by @philippajames”

Father Of Daughters

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“If oceanographers note in the coming months that the Aegean sea levels have fallen considerably, it’s highly likely that the twins 7 days of solid splashing is to blame, but I guess that’s their way of showing they’ve had a great holiday.
These two have been human magnets all week, attracting more attention than a viral video of a kitten meowing the alphabet while being held by a moon walking hippo, but they’ve taken it all in their stride and now have an army of “big sisters” in the form of Anya & Marnie’s new holiday friends (they only know each other’s first names but are now all BFFs & have exchanged friendship bracelets and email addresses making it official) who we indirectly employed as free child minders to splash along with the twins, leaving us to watch on & smile. At last count they now have 14 new sisters – going home is going to be like breaking up a family – I’m expecting tears.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Unless you live at the bottom of the ocean & breath through gills, you’ll probably know that today is #womensmarch day. I’m lucky to be married to a strong, capable woman & together we have the awesome responsibility of bringing up 4 lionesses in the making. We want them to grow up in a world where they can be who they want to be, to have the right to make decisions that will affect their lives, to be encouraged & supported to achieve whatever they set their minds to, all while being surrounded by a human race that celebrates equality & diversity in all it’s wonderful colours, whether it be region, sexuality, gender or race. It all boils down to a simple lesson we were all taught as kids – Be nice and fair to each other. lets put 5 year olds in charge and they’ll sort out all the adult shit in an afternoon. Tag someone who was out representing today.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Not only is this woman a kick ass mother-in-law who provides childcare on tap, but for the last year, she has also taken the time on a weekly basis to call a local elderly lady just to simply talk which got me thinking. As parents we spend a large proportion of our time focused on looking after the next generation we’ve brought into the world – to make sure they are cared for, feel loved and supported. Yet with all the energy ploughed into them and the fast moving nature of our lives, we sometimes forget to look up and remember the generations that came before us. At this time of the year especially, the elderly can feel isolated and alone which is why, in partnership with McCarthy & Stone, I’m asking you to do an act of kindness for the older people in your community. It takes one gesture to make a difference to someone’s day, so please visit the link in my bio, use #takesone2018 and pledge to make life that little bit brighter for those who are more vulnerable than ourselves. It could be taking the bins out, popping to the shop or just having a chat – just show you care and do something to let them know they aren’t invisible. Pledge today!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Either Delilah is using the fridge to conduct climate simulation training for a nursery day trip up the north face of the Eiger that I don’t remember signing the consent form for or I’ve just caught the person responsible of foot prints in the butter & the constant vanishing of yoghurts, frankfurters, grapes, blueberries and cheese strings. This also explains why she always had a cold stomach and looks permanently guilty. Note to all fridge designers – I need a decent fridge lock and shelves that can’t be used and steps. Anyone got any bright ideas to stop the human fridge magnets that doesn’t involve gaffer tape?”

Father Of Daughters

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“Is it just me or does doing an internet search for Halloween costumes just result in pictures of slightly slutty witches, cats, zombies & dead cheerleaders (that wouldn’t look out of place in a bondage catelogue), a sweaty brow & a hastily deleted search history? At least the simple task of picking pumpkins hasn’t been sexualised yet. But it does provide its own challenges, namely 1). steering @mother_of_daughters away from what we dubbed the ‘Instagram section’ – the aesthetically pleasing small white, grey & speckled pumpkins that cost more than a nice lunch out (which I failed at dismally, see stories ), 2). Applauding the girls ‘excellent’ selection of squashed, mouldy pumpkins they dragged across a field, knowing full well they won’t make the final cut & will be quietly dumped before we pay, and 3). Spending £35 on hotdogs only for them to eat a bite before announcing they ‘don’t like the favour’ leaving me to costume a families worth of pork based goodness washed down with cold chips & wobble back to the car. Ok, that was an upside & look at their faces, you can’t put a price on making your family happy. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Clemmie & I haven’t had a night away together from the girl gang since August 2017 – To say that we need this time together to remember why we feel I love with eachother in the first place would be the worlds biggest understatement. So when the stars aligned allowing us to drop the older girls off at friends house in London, Clemmies mum offered to look after the twins and the opportunity arose to stay at @editionhotels, we literally jumped at the chance. So what do parents do when they have zero responsibility & a hotel room that doesn’t have multiple snuffling children in cots at the foot of the bed? Romance? Room service? Lie-ins? Probably all of the above but first there’s rugby to watch & mini bar beers to drink ….and they say romance is dead….. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Conventional wisdom tells us that the passage of time through space happens at a constant rate forwards, but when you have children, that changes. I can only conclude that there’s a rip in the space time continuum right above the girls bedroom as time just vanished this evening, leaving me feeling like I’d be screwed hard by a flux capacitor with anger management issues. One moment it’s 6.30pm & I’m rounding them up for a bath, then I blinked & it was 8.15pm the world had fallen apart. Bath time – a tsunami nightmare that would have drowned the entire cast of ‘honey I shrunk the kids’. Teeth – a stand off that ended in toothpaste in the eyes. Story time – A jackanory balls up that left me questioning my life choices. Bed time – a yoga session for hyperactive chipmunks that ended with Ottie hiding for 15 minutes in silence & me shouting down the street in the dark because I thought she’d gone (only to be found eating a chocolate egg under Anya’s desk covered in a blanket). Of course, as I’d focused all my energy on these 2, the elder ones hadnt even had dinner! It may have only been a total of 1hr 45 minutes but I’ve aged several years on the process. I’m stongly considering calling Doc Brown to take be back to 2015 so I can get a vasectomy. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“This is the next step in cost reduction for budget airlines – They fly low over the destination, push people out & hope someone catches them – this is the moment Ottie arrived on holiday. This seems like a life time ago already & it was only 10 days ago, yet the memories are dwindling,due to sunburn I’m shedding skin faster another an eczema suffering albino snake and I’m constantly finding non descript receipts in Greek for things that I’ve lost, broken or left behind. Holidays bring out the best in families and everyone tends to relax. The rules drift away on the breeze and anger melts away with the ice in the gin and tonic. Back home, the holiday bubble bursts, tension builds and were at eachothers throats again. Perhaps we should just all sit down, look at our photos and remember how nice we were all to each other when we’re not in our own house.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Much like logical reasoning & a tandruming child, heat & babies don’t mix well. This was this morning at a time that most people might call the night but the twins decided it was a perfectly acceptable time to start their, and therefore, our day. I’ve got home after a night out later than this! (granted, not recently, but still). For those professionals out there, note Clemmie is performing the classic ‘iPad over the face’ technique to maximise shut eye time while still providing entertainment. I on the other hand have no protection and was forced to stare at the ceiling, listen to fully grown humans in costumes talking like babies (never forget there’s a adults inside a teletubby – you’ll see it in a whole new light) while getting occasionally face grabbed by sweaty milk covered hands until my alarm went off – it felt like I was bring subjected interrogation torture but I had no answers. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“How many times have you said these words when preparing dinner “this is not a restaurant!” – well it turns out that’s exactly what I’ve creating while turning the utility room into a makeshift kitchen. They sit in a line, make food vanish like an overweight magician who keeps eating his props & despite it taking 15 minutes to round them to get to here, they finish & suddenly disperse in all directions in less time than it takes me to secretly scoff the remnants of clemmie’s mint aero in the other room. What’s left – a messy floor, 4 plates of varying levels of leftovers (which I’ll finish) and a sense of failure that my children have the social graces of an anti-social hippo who thinks the world owes him a favour – A thank you would be nice! Where did all the manners go?”

Father Of Daughters

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“Parents know all too well that unless you want all the snack food to be demolished at world record pace & to have the house torn apart by bored children who’s eyes has glazed over from overdosing on smart TV that dumbs everyone down, it’s essential to go outside. Fresh air is nature’s sedative, so while Clemmie was out with Anya, I let the twins blast about on the beach, who then wondered around hand in hand & nattered away like 2 elderly women on day release from the care home. This knocked them out but as we drifted passed the 3 hr mark, it was decision time. Do let them keep inspecting the inside of their eyelids so I can get on with life admin & run the risk of making bedtime a living nightmare or do I wake them? Seeing as we only just got them down, guess which option I went with…..was it worth it? No. Routine is king, never forget it.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Just so we’re clear, this isn’t an ad!! This evening I successfully picked up all 4 girls & completed an emergency shop on the way home. With my arms laden with life admin essentials, everyone disembarked from the car & bounded off towards the house, arguing over who could scream the loudest. Every that is apart from Ottie, who instead decided to do her best impression of discarded flavourless chewing gum & welded herself to the pavement. A 2 minute silent stand ensued during which time 3 people walked passed this small human obstacle & tried to help encourage her to give up on horizontal protest / cloud gazing session, yet she proved to be tougher to shift than lipstick from a carpet (and that’s tough, believe me). I honestly couldn’t tell you why this all started, but it finished with her getting up, starring at me with death ray eyes that went straight through heart and walked off as if I was nothing had happened. I’ve been in meetings where I wished I’d employed this tactic. Oh to be 2 again. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Everyone is back & its literally like nothings changed, but having had time to reflect, it’s important to recognise that this last week of being a temporary solo working parent of 2 small people I can’t tell apart has been a steep journey on the never ending learning curve we all call parenthood for me. So what have I learnt? – 1). Having a sense of humour & the ability to laugh at yourself is essential, even when dancing 2). I have more patience that most people 3). Shouting achieves nothing apart from making everyone feel shit about themselves. 4). Trying to serve Michelin star graded food to 2 yr olds is pointless. 4). dressing a hungover bear is easier than dressing twins solo 5). Online shopping was basically invented for parents 6). Grandparents, siblings and friends are literally worth their weight in diamond encrusted gold – they will move heaven & earth to help me whenever they can 7). I actually missed the noise 8). I really do have a problem when it comes to not putting nappies in the bin 9). I don’t sleep well when I’m in charge on my own, & 10). I felt incomplete without my older girls & @mother_of_daughters .
Solo parents, stay at home parents & those on maternity leave – I salute you. You’re made of tougher stuff than I. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Today Marnie took responsibility for dressing the twins & I think the power went to her head a little. After 45 minutes, Marnies House of Fashion churned out 2 little girls that looked like colour blind hipsters who got dressed in the dark after a massive bender at a 2 day rave called ‘the meat market’, which was held in an abondoned abattoir. Now I don’t pretend to know much about fashion, but what I do know is that colour clashing of this magnitude can quite literally take your breath away while inducing temporary blindness. Delilah wore it with relative pride while Ottie was livid, milled around at the back of the catwalk wearing a face that looked like someone had just forced her eat a 6 month old lemon while watching a kitten be shaved. The judges are still out on the look. Perhaps spring 2034? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“So this is us for the next 3 days – me & my little women. Clemmie’s weekend away with her girlfriends has snuck up on me like a particularly large tax bill that I knew was coming but had chosen to ignore only for it to happy slap me in the face. Combine this with the fact the girls school wasn’t open & ended up takin a day of unplanned parental leave. ‘Dad rules’ were immediately drafted & passed by the local government (that I am head of & am the only voting member of) without incident. The rules were designed to give me absolute power, but it’s turned out to be a lawless state in which I have absolutely no power & under 10’s rule with an iron fist. band sweets were traded in dark stair wells, Anya worn her dressing gown until midday, Marnie seemingly found a back street surgeon who fused rollerskates to her feet (it was like watching a poorly coordinated cat ice skate while drunk) while the twins insisted on ‘the big guy who keeps heavy exhaling & saying no’ carrying them like super glued parrots for every minute of the day. Despite it’s trials, we’ve had a tonne of fun, but it’s resulted in a house that looks like the aftermath of an all night rave. It can all wait to tomorrow though, right? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Today we spent Christmas Eve Eve watching essential festive films, namely Home Alone which both entertained & scared the girls shitless in equal measures. And when I say ‘we’, I mean the girls were in the same room as the TV making forts and laughing while I rewired several lights, finished the kitchen island & constructed temporary furniture ready for the on slaughter of visitors. Home alone raises so many questions for me – if WiFi had been invented would Kevin just have sat glued to the computer for days on end & slowed died of malnutirition? And what the hell did Mr. Macalistair do to be able to fly his huge family to paris for Xmas and own a huge mansion. And why did they fly business and the kids in coach?! And what did they do to Kevin to enable him to concoct such violent life threating traps that would render normal humans stone cold dead? Sound like terrible parents if you ask me, but still a beast of a film!”

Father Of Daughters

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“Anyone else surrounded by mini nudists with 100% body confidence? The levels of nudity in this house can only be beaten by a travelling Chippendale’s stage show that then encourages crowd participation. Within seconds of coming home, I can almost guarantee that at least one child will cast aside their oppressive clothing faster than an model who’s running deseparately late for a life drawing class and really loves their job, leaving us to chase around a birthday suited body & hope that they don’t decide to piss in a cupboard and not tell us. It feels a little odd when the fully clothed family is watching the TV, with one renagade one showman completely nude in the corner of the room, but it’s just something as a parent you get used to. They’ll probably grow out of it, but if it continues , it could make family gathering a little awkward in the future – “Delilah, put some clothes on, it’s nanny’s birthday & you’re 27 for got sake – you’ve giving her a heart attack””

Father Of Daughters

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“The rules to being the returning parent after a week away aren’t all that different to fight club – rule 1 – irrespective of how tired you maybe, you do not talk about being tired as it will be met with so little sympathy, it’s can’t be measured, even using scientist instruments . Rule 2 – despite feeling dirty and generally a bit run down after 27 hrs of travelling, you must be fighting fit & transform into a smiling human climbing frame with immediate effect upon entering the house, and rule 3 – do what ever is asked of you without complaining. In my case, make lunch, change all the nappies, pick the girls up from sport clubs and then take all 4 of them to hairdressers which turned into a toddler run spa day for Marnie. Why? Because Your other half will have been through the mill in your absense and although you maybe feeling rough, it’s nothing compared to what the parent that was left behind had to deal with. @mother_of_daughters had it tough this week with a hospital stay for Delilah while keeping on top of everything else so the least I can do it is get straight back into it, suck it up & button my lip. I’m lucky to have such a strong woman to share this life with and I can’t think of anyone else who more deserving of a break, even if it’s just for an afternoon.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Short of blitzing international cuisine into a viscous liquid & feeding it to my daughter’s through a IV drip in their sleep, expanding their palettes to accept things beyond brightly coloured prepacked junk & that all important food group of ‘the colour yellow’ can be challenging. Christmas wiped out the concept of meals and replaced it with constant grazing as standard. To overcome this, @mother_of_daughters and I dragged the twins (and their untamed hair) to our favourite pan asian restuarant for lunch to immerse them in culture & shock their taste buds into life from their dormant existence. Dim sum was turned away with cries of “SLUGS”, coconut chicken was scoffed at & the aromatic duck was met with lips so tightly pushed together, a cat’s bum hole would have been looser. So a starter of paw patrol is it, washed down with a sandwich bought at the shop next door & a dessert of a nap at the table. We tried. We failed. We ate their food. we moved on. One day they will eat real food. Probably.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Day 6: After a drive down the motorway that involved being ignored by the 2 eldest who may as well have USB sockets graphed into their heads and 2 stops to change babies at Reading and Chippenham I finally made it to my parents. It’s the first time this week I’ve held a conversation with someone over the age of 9 that hasn’t involved the words “Yes I’ll sign for another of my wife’s parcels” Or “Yes that’s my child, sorry about that, are they in your way?” Twins and I both had a well deserved drink while the other girls unplugged and trampolined for 3 hours. Bliss”

Father Of Daughters

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“No this is not the last moments of Delilah doing a junior sky dive from a budget turkish outfit that forgot to provide a parachute & expected me to catch her on re-entry to avoid a very complicated holiday insurance claim – it’s just me invoking my father’s privilege to chuck a kid in the air, simultaneously setting a new world record while making all mums everywhere feel very uneasy. Please note – no children were harmed in the making of this photo. There was alot of shrieking with laughter, @mother_of_daughters lost her lunch while looking on & spilt a mojito in the process but other than that, all was fine.”

Father Of Daughters

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“From time to time, you come across a book in which you truly identify with a character . It’s as if the author has captured the very essence of your life & written it down in all its ugly glory. Unfortunately for @mother_of_daughters, the book I’m refering to isn’t a 300 page belter full of romance & adventure. It’s a 20 page children’s book featuring knackered elephants.
For the record, I’m in no way suggesting that @mother_of_daughters even vaguely resembles Mrs. large – I don’t fancy being the recipient of DIY testicle removal at the hands of my wife, but there is a worryingly high degree of similarity between this picture of a voyeuristic bath & the bedtime classic ‘5 minutes Peace’ (scroll right), the only difference being that Clemmie was asked repeatedly to show her boobs. Someone once told me that the concept of privacy slowly crawls over to the space under the stairs, curls up in a tight ball, takes its last pathetic gasp of air & dies. I laughed at the time. Oh how naive I was to think it was a joke!”

Father Of Daughters

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“So it seems that ‘chicken pops’ as the twins call them, have descended on our house like a biblical plague, so for the next week, @mother_of_daughters and I will be arguing about who’s job is more important and who has to take time off to watch Ottie’s & Delilah desperately try not to scratch. Having gone through this now 4 times, we know what to expect, but being relatively helpless when it comes to easing their discomfort still makes you feel as useful as a pair of left handed scissors at an international convention for right handed people. I wonder if they do they do those cones you see on animals in toddler size? Perhaps duct taping gloves on will be enough? To be fair , they don’t seem to care at the moment , but suddenly I’m feeling very itchy!!”

Father Of Daughters

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“The last 4 days has put our boiler under more pressure to perform than a stage school kid with low self confidence & mega pushy parents. Despite @mother_of_daughters telling me I was wasting my time, watching hours of bear grills on TV eventually paid off as we employed basic survival tactics & used the tools around us (i.e. the twins) to fend off the morning chill. Turns out they make excellent human hot water bottles & could no doubt boil a kettle with their bare hands if they were given enough time. But with change in weather, the beast from east has claimed its first victim in our household & poor ottie is now 50% calpol: 50% snot. I would love to be able to use the phase ” she’s all bunged up” but that couldn’t be further from the truth as she’s leaking more than a plastic carrier bag of custard that’s been used for archery practice. Poor girl. And poor my sweat shirt which now looks like a race track for snails with perspiration issues. Where’s spring already?! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“if I look tired, it’s because I am. Ottie’s cold is so heavy, lifting her head is an effort. This means her face (& our clothes) are caked in snot &, like a plumber on call, we’re up throughout the night to unblock her. Usually, under the cover of darkness, I can get in / out of their room without waking the sleeping one, but last night I performed an impromptu slap stick routine only viewable with night vision goggles. As I leaned down to pick up Ottie, I whacked the bridge of my nose on the side of the cot. As I jolted my head back, it got tangled in the mobile, ripping it from the ceiling. I stepped backwards only to stumble over some razor sharp wooden blocks and fall into the side of Delilah’s cot. I maintained a silence that a Trappist monk would be proud of throughout but it was too late – the surround sound screaming lasted 20 minutes. When I finally got back into bed, Clemmie asked what the hell happened. I honestly don’t know – I think I assaulted myself. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Ahhh, the beach. A place where I’ve learned many important life lessons. 1). Despite sand lodging itself in every human orifice, it never produces pearls 2). it’s considerably easier to drag a blue whale whose gastric band had failed across 40 grit sand paper than it is to get a fully loaded double buggy across a beach without swearing and 3). my family members always disperse & shoot off in totally different directions like rats on a sinking ship, instantly transforming my day of relaxation in to my own personalised real life version of a where’s Wally book in which finding my offspring is almost impossible. Luckily Marnie was on hand to the capture the AWOL freedom seekers and return them to base only for them to vanish again. Am i the only person out there that wouldn’t be able to remember what my own children were wearing if they got lost & you had to describe them to the authorities? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Today was somewhat of a big day. With @mother_of_daughters leaving to bring new life into the world at 5am, I was left with all 4 girls on the 1st day of the big girls new school. After I dropping them off & trying to hold an adult conversation with a teacher while wrestling the twins who were behaving like trophy fish that refused to be landed, I went to kiss Anya and Marnie good bye & was met with the kind of face I used to pull when that granny with the small but very real moustache tried to kiss me when I was a kid before they slid a 50p into my hand as a thank you / pay off. I guess I’m just too much of an embarrassment these days. What did brighten my day was peering over the buggy on the way home to see the 2 people who have made a career out of competing in the ‘I can annoy you more’ sibling championships which involves hair pulling, toy mugging and stealing food literally from eachothers mouths were actually holding hands completely unprompted. I guess they saw their bigs sister go off & figured that they still need eachother. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Dads change nappies too: Apart from the ballsy women with bladders apparently the size of a old pea that barge into mens toilets to avoid the queue of cross-legged females snaking around the building, many ladies probably have no idea what goes on in the room marked ‘Gentlemen’. Well here’s the secret – it’s usually a lot of guys peeing into urinals trying to overcome stage fright, a couple of blocked toilets, a few broken taps, a floor that’s like walking on glue and occasionally a guy struggling to change their kids nappy – jacket laid on the toilet seat, on his knees in a cubicle, keeping the broken door shut with his arse. Why? Because, believe it or not, in 2019 many men’s toilets still don’t have changing tables. That means we either rough it in the men’s, use the disable one go alfresco (behind a tree / down an alley) or pass responsibilities to the ladies in our lives. This needs to change. And I’m not just talking about the nappy. Any dad’s out there with horror stories to share? Is your country better than the UK? I want to get legislation changed so can do what has to be done in relative comfort and hygiene! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“If I’d have been Jay Z, I wouldn’t have had 99 problems to worry about because I’d have solved them all before breakfast. The women in my life all love to focus on the issues & marinade in them for a while like a slow cooker of despair, where as I get my kicks from taking my time to think things through & provide a solution – I guess that’s why we make a good team in a twisted kind of way. This evening was a prime example – whilst @mother_of_daughters was at work, Delilah learnt how to undo her grow bag & as a result was stripping down to her birthday suit faster than an Chippendale who was late for work, which made bed time a nudity based nightmare. That was until I fastened a key ring through both the zips which would have made escape impossible even for houdini himself. As you can see, Delilah was thrilled, but not as much as I am with my own cunning & ingenuity. Next problem please, I’m on a roll. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“This was the moment in 2010 when our family grew from a cosy threesome to a noisy four. That pair of hands you see on the right belong to a midwife. They are the hands that comforted us during labour, the hands that stayed reassuringly steady and guided us through transition, that rubbed @mother_of_daughters back, that magically provided hot tea & toast when it was most needed & that mopped my wife’s brow when things got real. They are the hands that helped deliver Marnie & gently passed us our brand-new daughter. They are the hands that embraced us in celebration. Midwives are quite literally a safe pair of hands when you most need them so im celebrating international midwives day today, not only because I’m married to a kick ass one myself who’s written 2 books to help women through pregnancy but because without these people to guide and support us, that journey to parenthood can be a daunting one. Go midwives- you are worth your weight in bitcoins (on a good market day). ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Yes this could be the cover shot from this months edition of “Weird Mermaid anglers monthly” telling the story of a guy who caught identical infant half fish / half girl creatures in a pond in south London, but it’s actually just me & the twins. Ottie has recently learnt to break free from the shackles of parental oppression & now regularly escapes the confines of her scandi chic responsibly sourced sleep prison under the cover of darkness. My initially dad solution of screwing a large piece of 12mm ply wood over the top of the cot like a coffin lid was frowned upon, so instead I removed the base, thus lowering the bed by 6 inches. I thought this was genius, only to be told that the lack of symmetry in the room was giving Clemmie anxiety sweats & to put it back immediately. In the end we resorted to the last weapon in our arsenal – taking away the use of their legs. And no, I’m not talking home brew surgery & a lot of referencing ‘How to’ videos on Youtube – We put them in sleeping bags – Now with their bottom halves neatly rendered as useless as shoes for fish, hopefully we’ll manage to keep them separate. We’ll see tomorrow.”

Father Of Daughters

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“In a spur of the moment decision, Clemmie independently booked what she described as “camping” this weekend. I love camping and take my girls every year to rough it – a 10 year old tent, cook on open fires, smokey clothing caked in mud & late night walks by moonlight are all standard issue. All the rules disappear and we come back tired but full of smiles. Then I remembered that Clemmie doesn’t do camping – harrowing memories of being tent bombed at a festival and subsequent early mornings with small children who wake when the sun makes an appearance have all taken their toll. As a result what we’re actually doing glamping on steroids. There’s a power shower in the tent for goodness sake! Bear grills would be so unimpressed. Mind you no-one is going to bed on time and we’re still eating charcoal sausages followed by a dessert of smoke inhalation & red eyes, so if you squint, it’s still kind of camping. Just. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Mums have one of the hardest & at times the most thankless jobs on the planet, but just know that the everything would quite literally grind to a halt without you – you are force that keeps the world spinning, so here’s to all the mums. To those mums that grew the next generation – whether a mother to one or many, to the ones that put themselves out there, that pound the pavement with buggies, who night feed, who give up work to invest in their family or who are still in work and balancing it all. To the shattered mums, the single mums, the ‘it’s complicated’ mums & those families lucky enough to have 2 mums. To the shouty mums, the arty mums and the ‘everything will be ok’ mums. To those mother’s of children who are no longer physically here, but still vividly exist in hearts & minds. To those mums who face adversity in its many forms but still meet the day with a smile & who do the best for their children. To every mother – You are appreciated, even if it’s not done vocally. Happy mother’s day. Tag someone who needs to hear this today. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Did anyone else get the memo to inform all parents that its international opposites day today? No? Me neither but Apparently all children have been informed it’s totally ok to do the exact opposite of what all overbearing full grown humans tell them to do. Case in point – this evening’s Bathtime – I said “please stop splashing! mummy will kill me when I forget to tidy this up later”. What they heard was “please go ahead & start up a toddler induced wave machine the scale of which could be used to test war ships, soak the floor & then flail about like a confined depressed killer whale which will eventually eat it’s trainer”. Turns out it’s fine though as the water has now drained through the cracks in the floor boards & has seeped through the ceiling downstairs. This only even happens when I’m in charge on my own. Coincidence? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Now I’m no mixologist, but this evening I’m pretty sure I discovered the ingredients to that illusive cocktail named ‘Pure Joy’. Take 2 identical measures of genetic code in human form, mix with the gentle breeze of a mild evening, lightly sprinkle with glucose rich treats that were specifically not be consumed after 6pm & pour the resulting mixture generously over a large trampoline. Consume over 30 slow release endorphin high minutes and smile for no particular reason other than knowing that the simple things in life truly are the best – Being a dad is pretty great on days like these. Other recipes are more than welcome – there’s gotta be more than one way of making this addictive tipple.”

Father Of Daughters

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“I seriously believe that all parents suffer from some form of mild Stockholm syndrome. Depsite being oppressed & forced to work a servant to our pint sized captures, like a free buffet lunch, we always come back for more. This is especially true when I go away for work. The first day I embrace my freedom & revel in that rarest of commodities – silence. But within 48 hours I strangely miss being yelled at & forced to clear up other people’s poo and start to really pine for home. In my mind I would return to 4 perfect children who would greet me with open arms & proclaim their lives were incomplete in my absense. The reality was 50% of my girls acknowledged my return & within 5 minutes my tired jet lagged body had been transformed into fleshy climbing apparatus while i listened to a list of things that broke while I was away & now needed fixing. I don’t think Anya even knows I went away as she’s now permanently hard wired into Fortnite! I sure they missed me but it still amazes me how quickly normality is resumed!”

Father Of Daughters

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“If there were ever real-life super heroes, it must be midwives. They’re pretty amazing people & I should know as not only have they been there from start to finish to support both Clemmie & I throughout all 4 of our daughters’ births, but I also happen to be married to a pretty kick-ass one too. I know all too well about the early starts & late finishes, the forgotten lunch breaks, the night shifts & the emotional baggage that comes from being intimately involved in something so life altering as welcoming new life into the world. I know about the personal sacrifices they make to be there for their women & that for many that it’s not just a job, but rather a calling to be answered, much like my @mother_of_daughters . Yet 1 in 3 of these amazing people feel undervalued & under-appreciated, so as a way of saying thank you, I’ve teamed up with #Pampers who will donate £1 to the Royal College of Midwives Trust for every post you guys share using #ThankYouMidwife & tagging @PampersUKIre on Facebook or @Pampers_UK on Twitter to support midwives in need throughout the festive season & beyond to show them how much they mean to us, so please get busy sharing!! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Having children is like having the ability to time travel – One moment they’re fresh womb evictees who you can hold in your hand, then you blink and you’re a decade into the future, your eldest is in double digits & you kids all demand money from you while refusing to do anything you say. Time goes fast, but while you watch your children grow, you forget that the passage of time isn’t standing still for you either and you’re suddenly ‘middle aged’. Similar to hacking a tree in half to count the rings, if you look closely at my forehead, the ploughed field of creases & lines will tell you that I’m 36 today – that’s significant for 2 reasons: 18 years ago today, I turned 18 & became an adult but I still don’t feel like one, & 2). This year I’ll be half my father’s age – that only happens once in your life time (although when I told this to a friend recently, they said “aren’t you always half your father’s age” – maths obviously wasn’t they’re strong suit). Anyway, what I’m trying to say is act how you feel, not your age & never stop being a kid. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Clemmies been away on a well deserved break & after walking in her shoes for a couple of days with all 4 girls, I feel the need to give a shout-out to all the mums. To the single mums, the working mums, stay at home mums & every other type there is. The mums who grew, feed & lugged around a baby & gave birth whatever way you did it, who do the night feeds next to snoring men and change more nappies than there are combinations to winning the lottery. To the mums who pound the pavement with a buggy on cold days & attend the happy clappy classes when you feel like shit. The mums who do the school run, who sign permission slips and wait endlessly for their kids. To the mums who prepare food, whether it’s a pouch or Michelin starred with little gratitude from their offspring. To the mums who struggle to squeeze a shower in and drink cold tea. The mums who buy the kids clothes and organise the family calendar. To the mums who just get on with it, despite being over tired and under appreciated – You are amazing. I don’t know how you do it day in, day out & you should be proud. Tag someone who needs to hear this today. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Seeing as sharing isn’t in a child’s vocabulary, we’ve had to buy duplicates of everything, but we’ve managed to make this into a learning opportunity of sorts. Feeling somewhat unappreciated , we felt it was important to give them a taste of the work load we get crushed under on daily basis so they could grasp just how hard it can be. The answer? Much like schools that hand out crying baby dolls to teenagers to scare them shitless of procreating before they’re old enough to drive, we gave each of them twins to look after. The experiment collapsed after 7 minutes. During that time Ottie seems to shrink, aged considerably & suffered a breakdown of epic proportions that no road side assistance could fix. Welcome to my world girlfriend. Worryingly Delilah took it all in her stride. No boyfriends for her then.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Holidays can be hard as although school may have broken up, parents can’t always take the time off which means we get caught the middle of trying to be present to meet our children’s never ending demands to entertain them like a unpaid court jesters while also trying to do our day jobs. Invariably the result is bored kids and frustrated adults who, had we been graded on our half term performance, would have had red circles all over our work & a note at the bottom saying “not your best effort, see me after class”. But then there are those days like today when you realise if we stop putting pressure on ourselves to be all things to all people all the time, we’re more likely to relax and just enjoy the simple things like having a ice cream on the beach in February. Dialling down the hectic life we make for ourselves & taking things slow isn’t a bad thing. It’s something we should all do more off from time to time. Glad school starts tomorrow though! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I know that Sleep deprivation is a UN sanctioned method of torture but do they also play the sound of crying babies at the same time? if not, they really should as i would give up all the information required & hand over a lung for free, just to make it stop. For all the joy parenting brings, there’s also challenges & last night was one of them. As a result of the twins nocturnal snot induced insomnia party, the day & night merged into one blurry grey tinged memory, leaving us looking & feeling like one of those helium balloons the kids insist on for keeping for months after their birthdays – deflated, wrinkled, & consigned to send the rest of our day bumbling along with our faces on the floor. Yet this morning, I found the 2 small people responsible for our sorry state of affairs had booted up their backup systems & now found enough energy to reenact a scene from highlander & fight over who did the best job of ensuring neither of their parents should be allowed to operate heavy machinery. It seems that Ottie won. I concure.”

Father Of Daughters

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“As a parent, your brain has the capacity to wipe all dark memories from its hard drive, leaving you with rose tinted memories of times gone by. Yet today we started potty training for real at nursery and the deleted files containing fuzzy visions of being handed warm damp bags of shitty knickers came screaming back. Years ago, I Once picked up one of the older girls from nursery during this unpleasant stage of development & placed the offending bag of bilge in my suit jacket, only to discover it again the next day while searching for a pen in a sales meeting. It was not a nice experience. And now with twins, I get double the amounts of parting gifts – today I was presented with more wet knickers than a flooded M&S underwear department & every other pair looked like an Asda car park after it had been hijacked for a late night street racing meet – covered in skidmarks. Even if I tried my very hardest & punched my bladder, I don’t think I could wet myself this much! man, I hate this phase, but we’ll get there….. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Sometimes, all the parenting crap just fades away into the background, you forget the house looks like it’s been burgled and taken over by squatters with questionable manners, you let go of the anger you built up from the ‘that’s not school uniform’ arguement you’ve had with your 9 yr for 3 days running, the pong of warm freshly filled nappies dissipates, you no longer worry about how you’re doing as a parent & you stop dispairing at the shocking lack of greenery your children eat. For a perfect moment you remember why you had kids in the first place. Because they are little, fun, wonderful information sponges who you love spending time with and would do anything for to ensure they have a good life. For me, that perfect moment is seeing the twins faces on a swing as I push them – gets me every time. When do you get those moments? ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Someone once said that being surrounded by children keeps you young. Mentally speaking that’s true, I have the sense of humour, patience & table manners of a 6 year old and also have the ability to not care what people think of me when I act like a loon & cry at all kids films. But physically, being outnumbered by kids ages you. And when I say ‘you’, I don’t mean @mother_of_daughters as she found the fountain of youth ages ago & stashed it for herself. She necks gallons a day, washs in it, makes tea with it and generally stays the same age as when I met her. I on the other hand am like an old oak. For every child we have, I gain a crease line on my forehead, each deeper than the other- you could send a submersible to explore them, the mariana trench ain’t got shit on me. Yet I wear them & my greying beard with pride. I’ve earned those strips & every single grey folical. I’m happy with who I am and the dad I am so when you look in the mirror next, be proud of your scares, stretch marks, receding hair, eye bags and what you’ve achieved as a parent so far ”

Father Of Daughters

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“it’s been a long time since i had to do this tandem feeding. Although it was hard work and took a great deal of practice, I miss it. Slowly but surely our two smallest family members are being less reliant on their morning and afternoon bottles and if and when they do have them, they feed themselves, the selfish pair of ingrates. I say less reliant, i mean we’re trying to put them into the equivalent of a rehab centre and transition them on to the methadone, otherwise known as milk that isn’t formula. The babies we had are less like babies everyday and more and more like little people. I guess I’m just missing it as its the last time we’ll do this. At least i get to learn about them and help shape who they become but i do wish i could have have a good deep smell of my babies once more. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“If there’s one thing that matters to me above all else, it’s family. They are there to help celebrate in the good times, provide a shoulder to cry on in the bad and have always made me feel supported. Essentially, these people make me who I am. My parents gave me the best childhood which I got to share with my bro & sister & now I find myself trying to emulate them with my own girls by not taking life too seriously & always putting fun before anything else. If I manage to do a half as good job dragging up my own brood, then I’ll consider myself a success. Happy birthday mum & hope you enjoy Hoopfest 2018 (i.e. the camping party in the garden)”

Father Of Daughters

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“Continuing the long tradition of twins being used in magic, this morning I walked in on what I can only assume was a rehearsal for a later showing of the classic illusion that has wowed audiences the world over – ‘sawing a woman in half’. Ottie’s upper torso was poking up out of the discarded IKEA kitchen sink unit, while Delilah waved her hands wildly, shouting incoherent nonsense as if she was a shaman talking in tongues (david Copperfield is an amateur in comparison to this miniature showman). Then the secret of the trick was revealed as the door flung over to expose a pair of flailing legs and a sagging nappy. I’m sure they’ll have their membership credentials to the juniors magic circle revoked after this but it’s nice to know how things work sometimes. Practice makes perfect girls. Keep trying. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“After having my half term parenting skills not so subtly called into question by Netflix who kept consendingly asking “Are you still watching Paw Patrol?” and exhausted all creative Duplo & science experiment based wet day entertainment (see stories) , it became apparent by 4pm that we should leave the wake of destruction behind the front door & leave the house. Rather pleased that I consciously avoided the stereotype of dad’s dressing their kids in no more T shirts & warm thoughts all year round, I made the fatal error of putting them all on wheels, inadvertently creating my very own (rather intimidating) ‘girls only’ version of the Hells Angels. Our cruise through the park caused OAPs driving off into bushes, large dogs testicles retract & families unfortunate enough to be walking in the opposite direction to us to part like the red sea on speed as my yells of “Use the breaks, not your shoes – mummy will kill me!” Were ignored by my offspring, echoed around the park & dissipated into the autumnal breeze, before turning around an hour later, we 3 scooters over my shoulders. Oh I do so love half term.”

Father Of Daughters

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“There’s receipts for cocktails everywhere, mountains of laundry have popped up all over the house like cotton mole hills, the smell of rum, coconut oil & sun cream is hanging so heavy in the air you have to crawl to breath, I’m being told that I’ve put everything in the wrong place and that there’s a warrant out for arrest as a result of the crimes against fashion I committed while dressing the twins last week – it can only mean a rather tanned & tired @mother_of_daughters is home & man have I missed her as have the kids. My fam is complete once again. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Getting people out the door to go & actually do something as a family can be a challenge – staying at home always seems the easy option but with house viewings today and not wanting to clean up for 4th time, it was essential go out into the real world. Getting a one trottered pig to play the violin while dancing the macarena & speaking Latin would be considerably easier than getting all the childrens to empty their bladders, put on shoes and get in the car without considering drinking bleach. Once we were at the playground, the 2nd challenge is then to get everyone to leave again. No one wants to be the guy who yells across the playground in a passive aggressive tone to their offspring, so you do it in a chirpy joking way in case other rparebts are listening, then stomp across and pick up the offending child while trying not to make a seen. I did that today x 4. In the end, I had to carry everyone out to ensure we all left and ensure the risk of a daughter return to swings was reduced to zero. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I’ve never lived in a house with high ceilings before, but now we do, I have a lot more space to do this kind of thing. Delilah wanted a better view of our new personalised sign that our friends that setup @brilliantneonltd gave us as a house warming gift & seeing as toddlers climbing ladders is a sure fire way to book a ticket to the local A&E, I gave her a helping hand (as @mother_of_daughters heart literally jumped out of her throat & ran to hide in the corner behind the bin). As it’s #smallbusinesssaturday, we’re giving you the chance to win a neon ‘star’ sign (see my story). All you have to do is follow @brilliantneonltd & tag someone who would want one. Delivery to UK only. The winner will be selected randomly at 8pm on Monday so get involved! Good luck.”

Father Of Daughters

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“After 45 minutes of discussion, we finally came to an agreement. With mothers day looming, @mother_of_daughters has made clear that mothers day involves absolutely no mothering at all & that I am to basically sod off with all 4 girls in tow after we’ve brought her breakfast on bed with pre-approved gifts. The only way this could have been clearer would have been to have it tattooed in reverse writing on my forehead so I could read it in the mirror every time I count my grey hairs. Luckily the twins have assured me that they will lie in until 10am & with only need changing once tomorrow to help me out. This cast iron guarantee only cost me 15 mins of ‘row row row your boat’ on the rocking chair – deal of the century. A promise is a promise, right girls?”

Father Of Daughters

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“The universe is 13.86 billion years old. Yet that is just a small fraction of how long today seems to have lasted. We have covered all the basic family ‘time killing’ bases & jammed way too much into 1 day: trip to the park with friends where Ottie wondered off & like a cuckoo, tried to join someone else’s family, eventually getting returned to us covered in other peoples food (we hadn’t actually noticed she’d gone), a trip to the shop X 2 (as I forgot key essentials the 1st around & got an ear full), swimming (buying yet more overpriced goggles to replace previous pairs that vanish like a fart in the wind), spending the 3rd world debt on vending machine chocolate (praying the spiral mechanism didn’t shaft us & deny us of sugar enriched goodness) & finally home. By 4pm, all my girls except Anya, who I’ve lost to Minecraft, occupied a 7x5ft blanket to play ‘sleeping bunnies’ while I drank tea – Amazing how everything you love & care about can take up such a small space – Everything else is just noise. Happy Sunday everyone. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Much like Bear Grylls, when the parenting team is cut by 50% for any period of time, you’re allowed to do things you wouldn’t normal do in order to survive (just with less drinking of my own urine). @mother_of_daughters has been away for 3 days now & although I haven’t drastically changed the rules or deliberately sabotaged the routine that’s taken longer to construct than the Sagrada Família, I may have created some subsidence in the foundations. It’s now ok to get dressed in the play room while eating breakfast. Clothes can be worn for 3 days in a row if desired because it’s not worth the argument. Scatter cushions are banished to the floor as they are a complete waste time (especially on the bed), the twins will now only get out of the bath if carried simultaneously like sacks of old potatoes while I whistle the theme tune to block busters (I have literally no idea where that one came from) & bedtime happens when I can get children to stop hiding & lie down. Oh & as a special surprise, the twins will now only refer to their mother as ‘Clemmie’ because I trained them to – ok, that change was just for my own entertainment. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“No one enjoys the end of a holiday. Early waking of angry kids that have unpacked their bags in the night & who want ‘one more swin’; Deflating inflatables that have miraculously made it to the end of the week despite being subjected to GBH; eating EVERYTHING left in the fridge (no matter what it smells like) in one sitting and packing bags full of semi damp clothes, while cursing all the holiday tatt we bought that now means we’re flying home with more than we left with. Had to pay extra to bring the bags under my eyes home as well, despite wanting the leave them in greece. To top it all, these 2 refused to sleep & instead used ecoustics of the plane to practice their decimbel generating lungs intermittently throughout the flight, resulting in us pacing for 2.5 hours. fun. Sorry to everyone coming back from Corfu this morning. Now to attack 6 hours of washing – reality kicks in quick these days! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Holiday check list (let me know if I’ve missed any): Made sure the twins can still fit their now hefty frames in the buggies decide to keep them there so we can actually pack argue about the extra charges we will definitely incur at the airport with the sheer tonnage of girl clothing we have Charged every bloody thing with a USB cable & watched the lights flicker under the strain of electricity demands cleared memory & downloaded God knows what to buy silence on the plane eat all the food that can’t be frozen & immediately feel dodgy locate passports lose passports again & shit myself get out euros at a shocking exchange rate & cry watch @mother_of_daughters decide which 7 pairs of shoes make the cut to go on holiday pack my own clothes load the car sweat at the thought of getting everyone up at stupid o’clock (2.30am) to get on budget flight with all the other families who can no longer afford to travel at a civilised time of the day think we’re ready to go on holibobs! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“You know when you do something & your kids find it so snot bubblingly hilarious that, much like a court jester, you are forever requested to do it over & over & over again just to satisfy the powers that be? About a month ago, I made the mistake of making a den (essentially my legs propping up the duvet) for the Ottie & Delilah to drink their morning milk in. I then shut them in & ticked from the outside. Standard really. They loved it. They loved it so much that they now demand it every morning. The only problem I have with this is that I have now be clocked square in the balls on no less than 3 occasions by a twin who’s adapted their bottle from a energy giving vessell of Morning sustainence into a weapon that renders men impotent. The results – a grown man wincing in the fetal position while 2 small girls look on, giggling like saddistic mainiacs while chinking milk bottles – they now think this is part of some kind of slapstick routine which im just thrilled about. What demeaning things are you subjected to in order to entertain little ones?”

Father Of Daughters

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“With @mother_of_daughters working on Mondays, it’s down to me to get this motley crew sorted from the moment they wake to the moment I wrestle / headlock them into their bed. Like any classic kung-fu film, at 4 against 1, the odds were against me but Bruce Lee taught me well. I was quick & decisive in my attack. I picked off the weakest ones first by drugging them with milk (The dishwasher has struck again and turned all the bottles a lovely sunset orange hue. Dam you spaghetti bolagnese! Dam you to hell!) and bonjela. I then tired out the middle one with wrestling, hair plating and books, then finished off the old master by listening to world book day costume design demands and nodding (I’m screwed FYI ). Now time to cook dinner before the boss gets home. Smashin’ it! ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Autumn is the time of the year that Mother Nature really pulls out all the stops and puts on a display that humans can only dream of rivalling, but to experience it in all it’s technicolor goodness, we have to overcome the gravitational pull of the screens. That’s why we’ve decided to get out of the house at every opportunity over the last couple of weekends to remind our girls that if you want high resolution images of nature that aren’t a screensaver, you need to go explore. We got family membership to the @woodlandtrust who helped us find some fantastic local woodlands and, despite arguments in the car, when we arrived and issued them with their Nature Detective packs (see stories), we were privileged enough to see a transformation that rivals the changing of the autumnal leaves – Our children remembered how to be children again. Climbing trees, looking for bugs, kicking leaves, splashing in puddles and making masterpieces – they basically ticked off the whole ‘how to spot a child’ check list! Forget Neverland, just go to the woods! get membership before December 12th to get your kids packs before Christmas”

Father Of Daughters

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“@mother_of_daughters is out this evening getting yet another ear piercing (if she gets any more, I’ll be able to see through her) so I’ve got all 4. Like any manager worth his pay grade, I delegated & I left Marnie in charge of the 2 delinquents while I made bottles. I returned to the twins drowning animals in the toilet & dispensing of, what transpired to be, the last toilet roll in the house. Unsurprizingly, like my pay check after 10 days, the 6 yr old had vanished without a trace. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow it’s because i died on a wet bathroom floor due to getting my arm stuck round the U bend while retrieving a plastic squeaky cow and my dignity. What a way to go. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Unless you were dead last year, you’d know that ‘dad fashion’ was a massive hit in 2018, yet many fell short in really pulling the look off. Clothes are all well & good, but to truly rock dad dressing, you need to invest heavily in accessories, so here’s the secrets the fashion mags won’t tell you. First have some kids, singles are great but multiples will really add to that worn and shattered look we’re all after. Then feed them for several years until you’re convinced to can go out shopping without a buggy or scooters as they can walk under their own steam. Almost instantly they’ll complain so you’ll be forced to carry them everywhere like a knock off chanel clutch filled with lead. You could also add staining to your clothes and stuff your pockets with spare knickers, hair clips & wet wipes. Finally, for that added wow factor, subject yourself to a decade of broken sleep – money can’t buy that kind of ‘1000 yard stare’. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Usually our weekends are jam packed with child related activities from the moment we wake to the moment we pass out, but today has been one of those days when we have achieved the sum total of zero multipled by zilch, or what’s become known as a ‘nothing day’. We’ve not contributed to progression of the human race in any way, shape or form & have instead basically just been a drain on the worlds oxygen resources & giving absolutely nothing back in return. I genuinely don’t think we even went outside, but everyone both needs and deserves a house day now and again. We won’t be winning any awards for most energy expended in a day or be handed personalised ‘overachiever’ medals, but we worked hard on creating a deep imprint on the sofa & I for one am very proud of what we’ve accomplished. That’s what I call proper team work.”

Father Of Daughters

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“The dictionary defines ‘Privacy’ as: the state of being apart from other people or concealed from their view; solitude; seclusion. However when you have children that word ceases to have any real meaning. It’s one of those things you used to have, much like the ability to leave the house at the time you choose, to sleep past 8am & to think ‘we should go out tonight” & actually do it. The last remaining lock on the bathroom was busted off by @mother_of_daughters when I had ‘spent an unnaturally long time in there’ & barged in to confiscate my phone. We apparently operate an open door policy which means I shared my shower this morning with an audience of 3 women – Thanks Clemmie for taking this picture while not helping at all & snorting as the twins squealed. Having girls of any age point & laugh as your in your birthday suit does wonders for body confidence – i can visibly see it going down the plug hole to go & spend time with the matted hair ball the girls all contribute towards that takes up residency every so often and has to be forcibly removed by yours truly. Arrhh – the joys of life with 5 women.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Friday nights have changed somewhat over the last 10 years. I used to head down to the DIY store, buy an industrial size can of crimson emulsion & literally paint the town red every single weekend. Saturdays were for dying quietly while watching T4 while clemmie drooled over Steve Jones. Now I find myself soaked in bathwater that is 25% urine, while acting out the story of Melvin the homeless frog – A riches to rags tale of an amphibian who invested heavily in Heron protection, only to find that he’d been scammed by sly old Sophie the giraffe – the shit. All this is then followed by a beer in front of the TV & bed by 10.30pm. “Slow down Simon – your life is too crazy” said no one ever. Shout out to the parent crew on lock down tonight.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Kids are great aren’t they. Ask them to put on a rain coat when it’s pissing down and they refuse. Ask them use pencils for colouring in and they find Sharpies. Take them to the pool & try to put on goggles only for them to scream, making everyone else there’s an indoor shark attack in progress. Yet when you have a morning routine to nail, goggles become Essential eye wear that somehow make us all late! Delilah found some goggles knocking about because apparently we don’t put things away anymore and seemingly epoxy resined them to her face as removing them was impossible. Despite extensive negotiations, If I tried to take them, the world collapsed in on itself, so she ended up watching a very blue version of paw patrol (in a non pornographic way) and wore them to nursery. Today was a strong lesson in picking your battles and giving in. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“After a weekend away in the company of 12 guys essentially just eating meat, drinking beer & waking to the smell of eachothers bodily gases, it was a nice change of pace to wake up, be reunited & get mauled by my girls in my own bed (albeit without Clemmie a she’s catching babies). The idea of breaking free of the daily routine & doing non parent related things was so appealling, but I’ve lived it for so long that it’s now just part of my DNA – I thought it was the kids that needed structure but it turns out it’s me that craves it! My Family life might seem as crazy as a bag of ferrets who’ve eaten a load of E numbers, but it’s my life & I missed my girls. At least this stag wasn’t as bad as the last one I went on – When I got home from that one, I was like a Ming vase, so fragile that Clemmie had to hold me on the sofa while I went all fetal , professing that I wanted to never see my friends again, to move to the country, get a dog and have another baby. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“When I was about 9 I distinctly remember my parents holding a 40th birthday party in which everyone dressed from the 60’s – I thought it was lame. Loads of well oiled adults dressed in clothes used us as waiters to ferry stuff around. Fast forward 25 years and I now find myself at a 40th birthday party, the difference being that I’m now one of those adults with my own minature silver service team to keep glasses topped up. The other big change: The theme has jumped a couple of decades to the 1980’s – a decade that @mother_of_daughters is now fully emersed in – this picture could have been from the promo from back to the future ( having the delorean helps). Of course, all the kids thought we were huge embarrassments, but I now know that my parents parties weren’t lame at all – they were spectacular – I was just the wrong age to appreciate them. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“Why do they have to argue infront of the windows? From the outside this must look like some like of dual picture silence film. From the inside I was given privileged access to watch this stand off unfold which started when they both pointed to the same passing dog at the same time. From that point, heated words were exchanged (I think Ottie called Delilah a dotard at one point but I couldn’t be sure – word of the year 2017 ) until it descended into the standard ‘stand on chairs & scream at eachother until one turns blue’ fest. Before I could intervene, Delilah left in a huff as she collected her cat & slammed the door oblivious to my existence and was left alone to wipe snot off the windows, completely bemused as to what had just happened. I wish kids came with subtitles.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Ok, let’s see how you do (see my story for the answer).
One of the most commonly posted comments is “are you sure you know which twin is which?” Followed by tagging @mother_of_daughters to judge whether I had in fact failed yet again in identifying my own children. For almost 2 years I’ve played a real life version of Guess who?, bluffed my way through by referring to them simply as ‘this one’, ‘that one’ or ‘the twins’ as despite having a 50% chance of getting it right, 90% of time I’d fail dismally (I’d be terrible should they ever be in a police line up for the great toys ‘r’ us heist they’re are bound to commit at some point in the future to avoid having to share things – I’d probably send the wrong one down). However, I have now successfully managed to tell them apart for 2 consecutive days which for me is a personal record. The question is, can you tell the difference? No points or prizes available. Just satisfaction in knowing you are a better person than their own father. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“@mother_of_daughters & I used to spend a good proportion of our time in bars and clubs, smashing off shots and tumbling out of places at stupid o’clock. We’d have fun, make a mess, be loud and then leave (in most cases, without the assistance of a doorman). Fast forward 10 years and it now feels like our lives have transformed & we’re the staff at those places we frequented. Clemmies working the bar, wiping shit down, doing the dishwasher every 20 minutes, clearing up spilt drinks /vomit and dealing with rude customers while I’m working the door, escorting those people off the premises that are being too loud or whose behaviour is causing distress to others, which is exactly what I had to do with these two this evening. They shouted incoherent drivel for 20 minutes after which they spilt drinks & generally destroyed the ambience of the evening. I’m considering barring them. Just hope they aren’t like this when they are 18 and actually go go out. ”

Father Of Daughters

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“I thought I was on top of telling the twins apart. I thought I had it nailed & could confidentially identify them in a lineup, should I be called upon to pick out the young offender who smeared bananna on the windows or put the filthy toilet brush in @mother_of_daughters new shoes. Turns out I put the girls in the wrong beds this evening & force fed a dummy on a dummy T-totaller. I’m just going to have to go with calling them ‘This one’ & ‘that one’ while I set up a charity to find a cure for face blindness.”

Father Of Daughters

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“With 4 girls who have so much hair that it could be combined to create a tight rope from London to New York, I now find my evenings mainly consist of dealing with hair – or more specifically knots. @mother_of_daughters & I usually set aside an hour on Sunday evening to process all 4 girls through the DIY salon , but this evening, with everyone over age of 7 suffering with more loose stools that a national chain of furniture repair shops, it was down to me to deal with it all. After quick carrot for dinner, all was progressing well until I got to Ottie who looked like Einstein’s mad cousin – The tangle teezer wentbtinto cardiac arrest & died on the spot as her hair could only be described as the aftermath of explosion in a wig factory. This type of knot has never been seen by humans before & was of such a complex nature that a troop of boy scouts would have struggled to get this one undo. As its discoverer I shall name it ‘the complete head knot’. It took 24 minutes to unravel & involved scissors. Ottie was not pleased & is now lop sided. Doeseatingcarrotsmakeyourhaircurly ”

Father Of Daughters

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“How to children always find the one item that generates a noise that’s manages to penetrate every fabric of your being and drive you to seriously consider drinking a nice bleach cocktail. Case in point, While walking around a vintage market, we discovered this bike. We walking passed it quickly while covering their eyes & negotiated the maze of aisles to get as far from it as possible. Yet like birds migrating for the winter, they managed to navigate their way through the mirad of trinkets & highly smashable crockery back to this hog. It didn’t move, & had no flashing lights, but it did have a horn that made a noise that sounded like 100,000 bees all dying at the same time. Suffice it to say, we left without the bike.”

Father Of Daughters

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“Well if this isn’t the very definition of a power struggle for world domination, I don’t know what is! Global politics isn’t that much of hot topic of conversation with my girls currently (mainly as they can’t talk properly), yet watching Ottie & Delilah wrestle over a light up globe this evening made me realise my household is running some very close parallels to current affairs. Both of them have ridiculous hair cuts, both have trantums that have the force to send the global financial markets in downward spiral, they have small hands and both always think they’re right. Its as if I’m living with slightly smaller & prettier versions of Trump & kim jong un. Thank goodness they don’t have access to Twitter or we’d all be in a lot of trouble.”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Date night (of sorts). We’d booked dinner for 7pm for south American food night. We got there 15 minutes late due to, well, having 4 kids & promptly decided to leave 53 minutes later having unceremoniously shovelled food into all open children’s mouths like chicks in a nest. @mother_of_daughters & Marnie took the over tired twins home after they’d made buritto milkshakes & masterfully created a mosaic of south American cuisine that covered 270 degrees around their high chairs. Mind you, no one batted an eye lid in the restaurant as @martinhal is a family resort so everyone was doing the same thing while discretely sipping wine. That left Anya & I to sit & talk over a table that looked like it was covered in festival debris. Times with just one of my girls are so few and far between – Makes me realise what nice little people we have & how interesting their little independent lives are. We left a tip that covered the couple of hours it will take to make the place look normal again & walked home, talking rubbish hand in hand – Best dad feeling in the world.”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“If dog bothering was a business , my 2 youngest daughter’s would have set up a garage based business, taken it to kick starter, gone viral and spread internationally, floated on the stock market and retired as self made billionaires all in the the space of a week. They’d then spend the rest of their days drifting around the Mediterranean on 2 massive matching dog shaped boats after writing a hugely successful auto biography called “the secrets of dog bothering by the people who invented it” . Poor Pablo can’t even eat in peace without surround sound and visuals of the twins up in his grill – he is literally loved from all angles all of the time. It’s tough being the favourite pabs, take from me, I used to have that crown until you came along!”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Write a caption competition time: If you can figure out what’s happening here, then youre smarter than me – and I was there. I think it involved Clemmie distracting us by doing some kind of impromptu greek dance on the balcony at #kastellihouse while I tried to impart local historical knowledge to the girls (basically reading Wikipedia out loud between taking sneaky looks at my poorly concealed phone). FYI I know that it looks like I could be naked here but I promise you, I have shorts on. The twins have found it hard to deal with the heat so submerging them in a tepid bath was the only solution before going to bed.
Have some fun and Come up with a caption to this ridiculous picture taken by my eldest. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Question: Why’s @mother_of_daughters so happy? Answer – because she’s the favourite parent at the moment. As parents we’re not officially allowed to have favourites (although if we’re honest, we all prefer the one that’s acting least like a rowdy drunk at chucking out time), however no such rules apply to toddlers & with no common decency filters in place, they take great pleasure in making it known who’s the favourite parent & who’s the equivalent of dog crap on a new shoe. One wrong move can have you go to hero to zero in literally seconds, leaving you to free fall down the popularity league tables quicker than a Sunday pub team who’s found themselves in the premiership, which is exactly what’s happened to me. All day it’s been “daddy, daddy, daddy”, until I made a fateful error. From the looks they gave me, you would have thought killed all the puppies in the world, torched their favourites toys In front of them & urinating on their beds. What did I actually do? I stopped them scooting around the bath. Now they won’t talk to me or look at me in the eye & just cling to Clemmie like an industrial epoxy resin. I wonder how long I’ll be in this particular dog house….. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Happy mothers day to all mums everywhere but especially to the mega woman in the photo I’ve tried to emulate – my mum (yes, that’s me as a baby 33 years ago – the Hooper genes are strong in my family). She’s a 5ft 3inch power house who’s always put us kids first. She’s worked everyday to ensure we got we needed, never complained when she was being picked up by her sons as they got bigger than her and, with my dad, set an extremely high parenting benchmark for me to strive for. You are also a fabulous grandmother even though you spoil the kids. You gave me the best start in life possible so thank you. Happy mothers day. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Day 2 of solo parenting: I woke to Marnie whispering in my face demanding to know where I’d hidden the TV remote. After waking up on the sofa at 1.14am with Netflix still on, I decided to hide the remote – Marnie has taken to watching dance music videos on YouTube at 6.30am & I couldn’t face waking up to what can only described as a drum and bass test facility run by the people with no hearing. Of course, the twins then woke so I got up, made milk, found the remote, got back into bed & resigned myself to listening to little mix through the floorboards. This painted-on smile is hiding the fact my head is about to explode.”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Apparently meal times are a time for families to converse & learning about eachothers day, yet my experience is its a time to argue, wrestle children back into high chairs who have dead headed all the nice flowers on the table & broken the wicks off the candles and constantly remind everyone of the basic rules of eating more like a human and less like pack of hyenas who laugh at my attempts to instill some kind of order. I’m seriously considering bringing out an compliation album called “NOW, that’s what I call dinner time” – it would include all my greatest dinner time hits so I can just hit play & save my voice. CD 1 would include all the classics: ‘sit round properly’, ‘eatting vegtables won’t kill you’ , ‘brown bread is better for you’, ‘if you can’t sit next to eachother then move apart’, ‘how do you know you don’t like it, you haven’t even tried it’, ‘youre not a cave man – use your cutlery’, ‘get back here now!’ & my all time favourite chart topper ‘No one is getting dessert until I see clear plates’ . Of course this falls on deaf ears and before you know it, a stack of half finished plates is on the side, Anya and Marnie have literally vanished & the twins are ploughing their way through a bowl of triple chocolate ice cream. Mind you, it’s hard to enforce rules when the commander in chief is eating directly from the container in the background. What other tracks would you include? I’m sure we could make it Christmas No.1! ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“I don’t know exactly where @mother_of_daughters is or who she’s with, but I do know she deserves a break, so with her out of the picture of the weekend, I find myself spread a bit thin. With human cloning a while off, I’ve still not mastered the art of being in 3 different places at once, therefore I’m relying on the older girls to help, yet despite best intentions, sometimes their ‘help’ isn’t exactly what you’d hoped for. I asked Marnie to get the twins into bed while I made milk & when I returned 2 minutes later, I found them curled up my bed watching octanaunts. Not quite what I meant, but you take what you’re given in these situations. Any examples out there of the kind of ‘help’ you getting from the small people in your lives that actually results in more work for you? ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Yes,ottie & Delilah now live in the Dirty clothes basket. Why? Because from the waist down, their clothes are all ruined & this saves time. Despite a couple of good months of potty training, we’ve taking some massive leaps backwards recently & we’re back to start. In fact we’ve gone so far back, we’re dealing with more soiled underwear than an industrial sized incontinence testing facility and it feels (and smells) like we’re failing.
In my opinion, There seems to only be 3 options available: , 1). Leave them to live out the rest of their days in the Dirty clothes basket , 2). Double down on our efforts to nail this toilet malarkey or 3).Hope that the fashion houses decide to adopt varying shades of excrement into their spring summer collections so we don’t have to get rid of so many dyed articles of clothing. High street retailers, if you’re listening, forget pastel – ‘shades of Ass’ is what your next look book should feature – it’s what parents want and need! ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“I wasn’t there, but after this morning, I’m pretty sure this is exactly how the product design meeting went at sudocrem when they first brought the product out:
‘Ok guys, i think we can all agree, we can be pretty proud as we have a great product here that all parents will use to protect their kids cherub-like arses, but we don’t want to make their lives too easy as we all know they already have way too much time on their hands, so let’s brainstorm some ideas to make it more of a hassle than it should be. Doug, got something to say?’
‘Yes John, how about we stick a red label on it so children gravitate towards it.’
‘Great! I like your blue sky thinking. Any others?’
‘Yes, let’s make the lid easy for toddlers to open, forget screw caps, just a good pull would do the job.’ ‘Excellent stuff. But we need more. Anne, your go.’
‘Ok, how about making the tub opening just the right size for kids to put their entire hand in’. ‘Genius. Now we’re cooking on gas. Any others?’
‘we should make it absolutely impossible to get off clothes, carpets & fabrics in general’.
‘Bob, you’ve hit the jackpot. Take the rest of the day off and go hit the spa.’”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“”Me do it daddy!” Those are the words that echo around my head as every day seems to be independence day for my mini adults in training at the moment, just with less Will smith and aliens destroying cities. Trolley pushing , car seats, brushing teeth, wiping bums, clearing away, cooking, you name it, if you try to take over, offer help or try to touch them / the object they are wrestling with, the floodgates open, drying crying is rolled out (you know, the type without tears) and you realise it would have been simpler to just let them get on with what every they wanted to do in the first place. Yes – Watching someone fluff up an everyday task takes monumental amounts of strength to keep your mouth shut and results in stress related eye twitching that comes across as creepy flirting. Yes – The ice ages come & go quicker than their attempt to help and yes – invariably you’ll have to pick up the pieces, but just keep telling yourself – “it’s a learning experience. I’m a good parent. I will not scream today”. What have you received ‘help’ with recently?”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Sat here this afternoon watching Marnie teach her little sisters how to potentially incur an irreversible spinal injury while watching TV, it dawned on me that this will be the first time in almost 2 years that both @mother_of_daughters & I will be away from our brood for more than 1 night and it’s all a bit emotional. Yes, they drive us insane and make privacy as impossible as reeling in a blue whale using a garden cane and dental floss, but we’re going to really miss them. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that were doing this for a good cause and the work we do with @soaperduper and @wateraid in Madagascar will be making a difference to families who have next to nothing in comparison to us. They’ll be in safe hands anyway, just hope that don’t break my parents over the next 6 days as I’m quite fond of them. Alarm set for 2.30am, time to hit the sack and wake feeling awful. Remember to follow along from tomorrow morning! ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“This is us walking home last night after actually leaving the house and meeting new people. I don’t want to paint all men with the same brush as perhaps this is applicable to mums too but I found that when us guys get to certain age, we become verging on anti-social & start to think “you know what, my quota of friends is full. I know all the people I need to know and I’m done”. Yet @mother_of_daughters is a socialising queen & I for one am glad as we got to meet to lovely neighbours, drink wine & let the kids get to know eachother (and by that, I mean stare at screens & bond over apps they share). I’m pretty sure if it was down to dads to put ourselves out there & socialise, we’d l probably all end up house bound for months & become known as ‘the reclusives’ who moved in & we’re never seen again. Thank you mums everywhere for putting yourselves out there and making us dad’s socialise. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Modern day parenting is essentially plate spinning with fine Ming dynasty china. It’s a constant struggle to balance work, family commitments & life admin, all in an effort to provide rose tinted memories for our children. We bend over backwards to provide them with what we think they need & pile ourselves with parenting guilt if & when we let anything one of the plates fall. But yesterday evening, while watching my girls slowly waterboard eachother with a hose pipe, it became apparent that if we just loosen up a little & let our kids be kids, then it’s the simplest things that can provide the most joy. Forget the flashing toys. Forget the dirty clothes. Forget the rules. Sometimes you simply can not beat water, stones, a pile of earth & a parent who’s stopped being an adult for a bit. We should all remember to be more child like now & again as if were adults for too long, we can forget what makes kids souls sing.”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“The days of being able to go to a DIY store to hide from my family with all the other dads who spend hours perusing various selections of counter sunk screws and power tools we don’t need have gone. Now I’m accompanied by small people who think that this land of electrical wiring and sharp garden implements is perfect for a high risk game of hide and seek on a collosal scale and bolt off in all directions as soon as we’re in the door. Not wanting to being the red faced parent who does the old ‘half walk/ half jog’ to the customer services centre when they hear the words echo over the tannoy – “could the irresponsible owner of small mad haired child who’s crying & covered in snot please come and pick up them up”, I resorted to basket rides to keep them in close proximity. Seemed like a good idea at the time, however my spine didn’t agree and now I have shooting pains in my legs. And I forgot the screws I went in for in the first place. typical Sunday. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“We made it back home to the sound of laughter, 4 beaming girls & a nanny and grandpa with slightly more grey hair than before, on the verge of passing out. Our recent trip to Madagascar reinforced just how important family is, irrespective of where you are in the world. My mum & dad, who had to deal with me & my ‘can’t sit still for longer than 2 seconds’ siblings for our entire lives, dusted off their nappy changing skills & came out of children rearing retirement to bravely step into our chaotic boots this week to look after all 4 grandkids. They’ve done it all with a smile & never complained about the poor quality IKEA style instructions we left them about running the household as we bolted out the door like whippets out the gates a week ago. I’m pretty sure we won’t hear from them for a while now as they go into hibernation & sleep for a month or so. Thank you mum & dad, thank you grandparents everywhere for allowing the next generation of baby makers (i.e. your kids) to have a slice of life back. You’re absolute heros.
GODs is a very appropriate acronym
– (grandparents of daughters)”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring apart from 1). the twins who, like a second rate boxers who knew they were outmatched but still battled on regardless, refused to floored by to the need to sleep 2). Two older girls who wanted to stay up as late as possible despite yawning so much I could see what they had for lunch 3). Me furiously wrapping presents – presentation will get progressively getting worse & worse as the evening draws on & as my glass gets more frequently empty until I strongly consider just putting things in Sainsbury’s carrier bags and spray painting them silver 4). Clemmie laying and relaying the table like an OCD waitress for tomorrow , and 5). My bro and sister slowly drinking all the beer supposed to be for the next 3 days, thankful they don’t have kids of their own. Man, I love a good family Christmas. Good luck tomorrow everyone!”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“Out of 8 photos, this as close to a decent family holiday picture as we could get. There is a greater likelihood of us clearing up in the Euro millions lottery and then getting struck by lightening, twice, on a sunny day than getting all 12 eyes looking in the same direction at the same time so guess this will have to do. It’s also slightly disconcerting that the guy from bar @martinhal knew our names. “Hi sir, you’re in room XXX, right? Mr. Hooper, would you like me to take the photo for you, you look like your struggling”. Now is that great customer service or are we, in the words of Biggie, ‘notorious’ around the resort, known as the loud People with all the blond girls that trash tables. Guess I’ll never know, but I made me feel special. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“This was us in the park on Sunday – happy & content. Minutes later this scene of tranquilty was shattered. As we left the park, one of the girls announced, in a voice so panick strickened you’d have thought their arms had literally just dropped off, that they’d left a vital item behind & that I absolutely had to go & get it or they’d have a full-on fukushima style meltdown infront of the other parents who were swigging coffee like it was about to be outlawed. Wanting to avoid a public shaming, I downed scooters & retraced our footsteps while everyone else retreated to the car & argued about who’s fault it was. The search was fruitless, however upon my return, all was right with the world – @mother_of_daughters had found her new lipstick under her car seat, had stopped stropping and had reverted from a toddler to an adult again. Shit-fit avoided – Sometimes the big ones are the hardest to deal with. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“At 7.05am, my morning session of examining the insides of my eye lids was rudely interrupted by 2 flustered girls – “it’s British science week & we’re suppose to dress up today & you forgot!” After letting go of the fact that i didn’t forget anything & they simply neglected to tell me, i wiped the cold sweat and milk from my brow & set to work – 45 mins to get all 4 ready for school / nursery, breakfast & make 2 scientist consumes, all while @mother_of_daughters was off in Bruton instastorying her hotel room. I raided the costume box & found precisely bugger all science related. In the end I cobbled together these – White cooking aprons with drawn on lab coats using @sharpie, cut holes to make a fake pocket for pens & then popped out the lenses from their sunglasses to make spectacles. I blow myself away with my ingenuity sometimes”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“This is to the dads who work hard to play hard. To the dads who can solve any problem and fix everything, who received mugs, hand drawn pictures and @dove_men gift boxes. To the dads that are away from home or stay at home, the dads who are never too tired to play, who act as climbing frames, that build dens, teach their kids armpit farts, how to burp and bad jokes, that give the best shoulder rides and the softest hugs. To the dads that know care makes a man stronger, that being soft isn’t less manly but being firm is sometimes necessary. To the dads doing the night feeds, who can make a child laugh off their tears, who get the family to #scrumtogether when times are tough and make lasting memories for their kids. To the dads that are tired and stress but never let it show, who lead by example, who make their kids feel like they can achieve anything, the dads who provide encouragement when it’s most needed & will always offer a comforting pair of arms when things goes wrong, whatever their age. To the dads who just on with it & know that they’re loved by the people around them. HAPPY FATHERS DAY – Enjoy your day whatever you do with it.”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“I’m always jealous of other dads who are carrying a sleeping child. Nothing makes me feel more like an actual parent than having that dead weight quietly breathing on your neck as on lookers coo. What people don’t see is the titantic battle of patience that finished literally 2 minutes beforehand to get her to sleep which included a breakdown that no roadside mechanic could fix, as she totally lost her shit from being so over tired, that her screaming had become red faced & silent (never a good sign). The trick once they’re asleep is to keep them that way as you try & shift their seemingly doubled body weight around to avoid the dreaded ‘dead arms’. You have to do this so gently & slowly, you could probably use your new deft skills to pickpocket a cat & they wouldn’t know about until they went to pay for a coffee or whatever it is that cats buy these days. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“From memory I spent a large proportion of my childhood walking around on my dad’s feet until the day arrived that i was too big and crushed his toes flatter than a glass of cola left out for a month. Now I regularly find my a child welded to my feet, asking for rides and ‘giant footsteps’ which I’m cool with it, Clemmie on the hand isn’t such a fan. Perhaps it’s because her new footwear is somewhat boney & moist, constantly shouts ‘mummy’ at a volume that leaves you with tinnitus and makes doing the most basic of tasks like walking feel like having your feet set in quick drying cement, making progress so slow that ice ages come and go before you make it across the room. If they marketed these toddler boots the tag line would be “the shoes that stop you achieving anything”. I have a feeling they’d flop badly. ”

Father Of Daughters

Image credits: Father of daughters

“This is clemmie & she’s currently having a well deserved insta holiday. This is the woman I fell I love with 12 years ago & who changed my life forever. She is the mother to our 4 children & has dedicated her professional career to caring for others & bringing life into the world. Through building a community on instagram, she’s helped scores of women across the globe whether it be through talking about real parenting, mental health, child birth, body positivity or other subjects that she’s discussed honestly & openly. she’s a published author, got an eye for design, has a mean sense of fashion, a smile that can light up the darkest room & a laugh that it more infectious than the common cold. She’s true to herself & spends her days setting an example for our girls by supporting them in being the best version of themselves they can be. She’s not perfect by any means, but no human is – she vulnerable, anxious and emotional like all of us, yet meets everything coming at her head on. In short she is my everything. I’m incredibly proud of her & I know a lot of you miss her but she’ll be back shortly. “

Source: boredpanda.com