It’s easy to tell how someone’s high school went just by asking about their first associations with the institution. If prom, homecoming, and other typical events feature prominently, it probably was not a bad time. Conversely, if the first words are cliques, bullies, and harassment, those years were no doubt miserable.
A father laid out a pretty harsh list of punishments for his teenage daughter when he learned that she was a bully. This included banning her from events like prom and homecoming, which some see as the pinnacle of the high school experience. This caused a debate with the girl’s grandparents, so the dad turned to the web for advice.
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Many people can still vividly remember their high school bullies
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A dad made his daughter delete her social media when it came out that she was a bully
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The psychology of bullying is more complex than many people realize
The classic cliche about bullying is that it comes from a place of deep insecurity, however, research shows that this is only true in some cases. Unfortunately, some people bully simply because they really do think they are better than others and know or at least believe they can get away with it. It’s not about trying to feel superior, they already do, instead, they need to make their superiority known to others. That being said, psychologists still believe there is a kernel of truth to the old adage of insecurity. A truly confident person doesn’t need to make others know just how superior they are, while bullies might have large egos, they are still quite fragile and have to be “patched up” by abusing a weaker party.
While we do not know the reasons behind OP’s daughter behaving the way she did, the punishment seems appropriate. It’s important to remember that this isn’t just matching the punishment to the crime, it’s also a parenting moment. The adults understand that they need to curtail this behavior before it gets worse. Kids and teenagers often just do not understand the full implications of their actions, which actually inhibits their ability to learn from their mistakes. By connecting a “massive” punishment to this action, OP’s father is sending a very clear signal about just how seriously adults take this sort of thing. In reality, missing prom is one thing compared to bullying and abuse in the “real world” which can end with ruined careers, prison sentences, and huge lawsuits.
On the flip side, while teens are starting to become their own person, a lot of their behavior issues stem from environmental circumstances, and no bonus points for identifying who or what influences a growing child the most. If it’s not clear, much of the blame simply lies with the parents. Poorly raised siblings, a stressful home environment, and ineffective discipline all tend to lead to a kid developing antisocial behavior, which in minors tends to come out as bullying. OP says his daughter’s behavior was a shock, which could be legitimate, teens are adept at hiding things from their parents, however, it could also be a question of not paying attention.
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Ideally, bullying should be prevented, not just punished
To OP’s credit, he does a number of things correctly with the punishment. He has effectively identified what his daughter values and has taken it away. A lot of “traditional” punishments are ineffective for some children, for example, grounding a kid who prefers to be in their room anyway. The daughter’s reaction is a good indicator that he hit the nail on the head, as well as ordering her to delete her socials. While the loss of photos is regrettable, this could be seen as “forcing” her to turn a new page and start from scratch.
This sort of “extreme” punishment is probably warranted, as studies indicate that bullying is rarely an isolated incident, it’s nearly always ongoing. In this story, the bullied girl’s decision to move serves as evidence for that, it’s unlikely that she would take the pretty excessive move of switching schools over one incident. The school also seems somewhat to blame here, as the first indication a responsible adult got about the situation came after the bullied girl already left. But, in the face of grown-up incompetence, the girl’s choice to leave was, unfortunately, the best bet, as bullying tends to intensify over time.
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As it often happens, parents are simply unaware, and authority figures are underpaid and undertrained and do not understand what to do in these situations, even if they are made aware. In fact, there have been many instances of ineffective interventions making life worse for the victim, who often feel like they should never have spoken in the first place. Realistically, much could have been done to help the girl who was bullied, but we will have to settle for some form of justice. All of this highlights the importance of adequate punishment and making it clear why the person is being punished. As “harsh” as OP might seem to some, this might be the last chance before his daughter is an adult where he can truly correct this sort of behavior. As horrible as bullying can be in school, it’s nothing compared to the havoc a malicious adult can pull off.
Image credits: Ilayza (not the actual photo)
OP gave some more details
Most readers thought his punishment was appropriate
But a few thought it was too far
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