“Honey, will you do the laundry? I just don’t know how you like it.” 

“I can’t seem to find the vacuum, will you just go get it?”

“But if I mop the floors, they won’t be up to your standards!”

If you’ve ever heard similar excuses from your partner as to why they can’t do something, chances are you’re familiar with weaponized incompetence. And while this term may not be a part of everyone’s vocabulary, plenty of people do know this frustrating experience all too well.

A few weeks ago, @Cooperstreaming on Twitter asked others to detail their most absurd experiences with weaponized incompetence, and plenty of people had examples ready to go. So below, you’ll find some of their most infuriating stories, as well as conversations with Cooper and Ann Park, MD.

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While the term weaponized incompetence was not coined until a few years ago, the experience and behavior is one many people have been familiar with for generations. Using excuses to get out of doing tasks someone else can do for you, or feigning ignorance when it’s time to wash the dishes, grocery shop or make dinner is a toxic behavior that far too many people view as harmless.

So to gain more insight on the topic, we reached out to board-certified psychiatrist, therapist and coach, Ann Park, MD. Lucky for us, Dr. Park was willing to shine a light on what exactly weaponized incompetence is. “Weaponized incompetence happens when one partner in a relationship is somehow unable to pull their weight, leaving the other person to do the heavy lifting,” she explained. “This can include managing household chores, completing work projects, or handling emotional responsibility in the relationship.”

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While Dr. Park says there is no hard data available on how frequently weaponized incompetence occurs, it appears to be common, and people often immediately recognize what it is. “Weaponized incompetence tends to happen when one partner has difficulty setting firm limits, and the other partner steps into that gap,” the expert explained.

We were also curious how individuals should respond when their partner attempts to use this tactic to get out of doing something. “When you notice yourself feeling resentful or stressed about the balance in a relationship, pay attention to those feelings,” she says. “They are giving you important information. Take time on your own to identify the areas where you feel you’re overworking. This can include emotional overwork. Then bring your thoughts to your partner and ask them to join you in creating a healthier balance. In a good relationship, your partner should be willing to step up to meet your concerns until you both find a mutually acceptable outcome.”

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Dr. Park also shared how we can teach people to stop using this kind of behavior. “Practice, practice, practice,” she told Bored Panda. “Just like any other skill, communicating your feelings and setting good boundaries around your personal limits takes practice. Start with a small step, and even rehearse ahead of time what you want to say to your partner. Then share your feelings, and be consistent about holding your limit in place.”

“Over time, both partners can learn to adjust to an equilibrium where each other’s feelings and needs are consistently accounted for,” Dr. Park says. “It’s the sign of a mutually respectful, healthy relationship.”

If you’d like to learn more about Dr. Ann Park or hear more words of wisdom from her, be sure to visit her Instagram page right here.  

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We also got in touch with Cooper, the woman who started this thread, and she was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about her own experiences that inspired this conversation. Cooper shared that she previously ended an engagement after noticing a pattern of weaponized incompetence. 

“I realized his mother always stepped in to clean up his messes, and both he and his family expected me to step into that role,” she noted. “The breaking point was when he didn’t file the paperwork necessary for our international marriage to be legal, saying it was too hard to make the phone calls and he didn’t know what to do.”

“Eventually he had his mummy pick up the slack,” Cooper continued. “We were in our late 20’s, the man knew how to Google and pick up a phone. Because we were citizens of different countries, timing was tight and getting paperwork done was vital to everything working. I remember this moment as the one where I realized that it didn’t matter how important the situation was or how much was on the line, he would simply claim he didn’t know how until I (or his mother) picked up the slack. He would let things fall apart before handling his life himself. I refused to marry into a lifetime of parenting this man, and shortly after this, I walked away.”

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“When you love someone, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You naturally want to attribute good intentions. Sometimes people truly don’t have experience and just need to be taught,” Cooper pointed out. “But eventually, it starts to become clear when someone throws up their hands and claims helplessness at every turn.”

“It also becomes highly suspect when an extremely intelligent person claims they simply can’t learn how to do a very basic task,” she added. “If you’re an architect, I’m sure you can learn how to turn on the washing machine.”

“These experiences are so disheartening. Because you expect that someone who loves you would not intentionally manipulate you and be perfectly happy to see you stressed and overwhelmed. It’s hurtful to realize it’s happening to you,” Cooper says.

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Cooper went on to note that weaponized incompetence is manipulative by definition, and there are many reasons why someone might try to use this tactic, “ranging from selfishness and laziness to poor communication skills or fear of addressing your desires directly.”

“Some people know what they want would be rejected because it’s unreasonable and bad partnership (eg: never having to change your child’s diaper, never being the one to do the dishes), so they manipulate their way out of having to show up and do their part,” she continued. “Why put in effort when you’ve always been able to get by without giving any?”

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Cooper also told Bored Panda that one story in particular from the thread stuck out to her. “One woman said her dad told her brother, right in front of her ‘Just pretend you don’t know how to do laundry and your sister will do it for you.’ Despite the level to which this is predictable, it still somehow felt shocking,” she shared. “There are a lot of people who pretend they don’t do this, or know anyone who does, and yet here was a man actively teaching his son how to feign ignorance to manipulate women into doing his work.”

“Rarely is it said so explicitly, but sometimes weaponized incompetence is directly taught. More insidiously, we see it modeled in the home. Kids pick up on everything,” Cooper added.

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We were also curious what Cooper’s thoughts were on the responses to her thread. She noted that they ranged from “funny and sad to rage inducing,” but that most of them didn’t surprise her. “I knew that a lot of people, especially a lot of women, would have endless examples,” she noted. “There wasn’t a commonly understood term for this behavior until recently, and now that people can put a name to it, they can recognize it when it’s happening.”

“The worst story I saw was a woman whose boyfriend would use his nose when going down on her,” Cooper said. “He outright told her that he intentionally wanted to bother her and make the experience terrible, so that she would stop asking. What an absolutely horrifying person. I’d say I hope he learns, but honestly, I hope he just never gets laid again.”

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“The funniest part of the response was the number of men who got extremely angry that I talked about it, because my tweet doesn’t specify gender or even imply it,” Cooper noted. “There are people in the thread who are LGBTQ and relate these issues as well in non cishet relationships with people of any gender. But just bringing up the topic made several men very angry, and this issue does seem to be the most pervasive around domestic issues in cishet relationships. A hit dog will holler.”

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As far as how we should respond when we realize our partners or loved ones are utilizing weaponized incompetence, Cooper says we have three options: do it for them forever, refuse to do it and let the consequences of their actions pile up, or leave.

“The only way to stop someone from ‘getting away with it’ is to refuse to accept the behavior,” she continued. “Recognize adults can and do learn new skills all the time. Pay attention to people who are perfectly intelligent at work but suddenly child-like at home. You can’t force someone to do their fair share, but you can refuse to be with someone who treats you that way. If your life is bound to a person who thinks it’s perfectly fine to saddle you with the majority of work that should be shared, it’s okay to question if you still want that relationship. Any partner who will happily dump all the work and stress on you doesn’t care about your wellbeing.”

“The best course of action is to let it be known early and often that you will not tolerate this behavior, and it is absolutely worth ending a relationship over,” Cooper says. “Either they will choose to carry their own weight, or they will show you through your actions that they’d rather lose the relationship than be an equal partner within it. Walk away.”

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“I think it’s helpful to first give the benefit of the doubt to friends and partners. It’s important to be kind and wonderful to be willing to teach,” Cooper added. “But keep your eyes open for claims of ignorance that strain credulity. Your partner can learn to use the dishwasher and the washing machine. Your co-worker has made a spreadsheet before. Refusing to pick up the slack may feel counterintuitive and painful, but it’s the only way to put the onus back where it belongs.”

If you’d like to learn more about Cooper, follow her on social media, or even buy her a cup of coffee, you can find her information right here. 

And if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing weaponized incompetence, look no further than right here!

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Source: boredpanda.com