Chair Chat no. 21: ‘The Splat’

In our 21st Chair Chat™ with Klaus Skrudland and Rudy Everts, we discuss a primitive stick chair that looks so uncomfortable it would best be used to interrogate spies. As usual, the language is on the salty side. Then again, a chair like this needs a rich vocabulary to be discussed properly. As always, if this kind of entertainment does not suit you, maybe you’ll like this endless horse better.

Listen beautiful relax classics on our Youtube channel.

Chris: OK, bring out the chair!

Klaus: OK, I’ll find it. Hang on.

Klaus: Chair, chair, chair. Hair, hair, hair.

Rudy: Hair?

Klaus: I just wanted to say hair, since it rhymed with chair.

Rudy: That’s fair.

Klaus: I’m eating a pear.

Chris: I’ve got a pair.

Klaus: Bring ’em here. Before I despair.

Klaus: Aaaanyway…was it this one we wanted to talk about?

Chris: Yup.

Rudy: I think so. It looks like a chair. Kinda. 

Klaus: Yah. I’m not sure if this qualifies as a chair. Anyway, here’s the info from the dealer: 

“Slightly wild, incredibly primitive Welsh stick chair. Yew and elm-wood. Various adaptations, most notably the extra slab seat presumably used to repair the existing seat. Wonderful look and feel. Originating from the Heads of the Valley, Wales, 19th century. Dimensions: 51cm x 93cm x 45cm. SOLD.”

Klaus: Slightly wild, they say.

Rudy: That is what I call wonky with a capital W and a capital ONKY.

Chris: I think the most worrisome thing about is that SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.

Rudy: It’s SOLD!

Listen beautiful relax classics on our Youtube channel.

Chris: I think everyone who has owned this chair became a cripple. Then died. There should be a government warning label on it.

Rudy: Unless they already had an inverted back.

Chris: I think the chair must have been made by a chiropractor: Here kind patient, sit in this. And you will need my help forever!

Klaus: The Welsh Chiropractor Chair™. Only spineless people can find comfort in it.

Rudy: So, how far back does the back rest lean? Hmmm, about -10°!

Klaus: Minus 5°, I’d say. This is a chair made for discomfort!

Klaus: And it looks drunk from this angle:

Chris: It’s definitely drunk.

Klaus: Or maybe it’s dancing?

Rudy: It is dancing the dance of death!

Rudy: What I find funny about this chair is that the maker had a hard time aligning his or her parts properly – then yet they were somehow able to make very passable stretchers.

Klaus: Agree. That’s weird. It’s like they made some decent stretchers and then just gave up on the rest.

Chris: Can someone explain what is going on below the seat? It has two layers?

Rudy: It is a Seat Doubler™.

Klaus: The dealer says it’s a repair. If so, it’s a lazy one! I mean, it’s like just gluing a new car on top of a wrecked car to “fix” it.

Rudy: Is the new seat glued to the underside of the old seat? I can’t see any nails.

Klaus: Hard to see. There are some holes there.

Chris: It looks like the chair has a colostomy bag hanging on its belly.

Klaus: Haha! Well, something has for sure gone wrong with the primary seat.

Chris: Yes. It was probably TOO comfortable.

Rudy: Very funny with that big back splat, too.

Klaus: The huge splat and that upright back is just completely weird.

Chris: If anyone has died from a non-electric chair, it’s this one

Klaus: Haha! Yeah, you could really torture people in this. They should buy it for Guantanamo:

“If you don’t tell me about that submarine, we’ll make you sit in the Welsh Chiropractor Chair™ for three days!!

Rudy: No no no, that is worse than waterboarding!

Chris: Noooooo! Not Chair Splatting™!

Rudy: Hahaha.


Klaus: Oh nooo, my back!!

Rudy: Anything! Not the splatting!

Klaus: Oh no, feed me to the alligators instead!

Chris: Cut my wiener off and feed it to me. Anything but THE SPLAT!

Klaus: I’ll sit in Windsor instead! Anything but the splat!

Chris: Haha! Please Fanback me instead! Sackback my head!

Klaus: Stretch me on the Birdcage! Anything!


Chris: But seriously, who bought this dung pile?

Klaus: A Welsh Chiropractor who works in Guantanamo?

Rudy: Maybe it was really cheap?

Chris: Maybe it was ISIS?

Klaus: Maybe Bin Laden used to own it. The Welsh Bin Laden Chair™?

Chris: The only way I’d buy it would be to burn it.

Rudy: More importantly – do you think they are sitting in the chair right now?

Klaus: If so, they’re probably dead by now.

Chris: Maybe Galen Cranz bought it. And then wrote her book.

(Editor’s note: Galen Cranz is the author of the book “The Chair,” in which she argues that chairs are basically horrible for the human body.)

Klaus: Hahaha. 

Rudy: Hahaha. Such a source of inspiration, this chair.

Klaus: Well, is there anything good about this chair?

Rudy: Yeah. It is Chair-Chat worthy.

Klaus: Good point. And it’s made out of wood.

Chris: The stretchers look like they’re made of wood, too.

Rudy: Definitely

Klaus: The dealer’s info says that the chair is “incredibly primitive.” I don’t agree. It’s just incredibly ugly.

Rudy: That is offensive to primitive chairs, agree.

Chris: I think it’s incredibly still together.

Klaus: It’s incredibly called a chair.

Chris: The primitives wanna have a word with his chair.

Klaus: Indeed. The other primitive chairs would be so offended by this wombat-looking creature. Just look at that stance.

Rudy: I like how the short sticks look like pinched off turds, though.

Chris: That seems to be a common problem with these ugly chairs. I made some sticks like this until I figured out how to make them not look like turds.

Klaus: If my kids came home from woodworking class with this chair, I would tell them to go sleep somewhere else.

Chris: Your kids’ chairs would have looked better. But really, my sticks were comical! I’ll show you guys next time you visit. 

Klaus: You still have those chairs?

Chris: Oh yes.

Rudy: I look forward to seeing them.

Klaus: I’ll bring matches.

Chris: If I can make a decent chair, there’s hope for everyone. Because my chairs were not looking good at first!

Klaus: Is the arm a branch?

Rudy: I was just going to ask the same.

Chris: A branch that got pillaged by a beaver.

Klaus: A branch that was first pillaged by a beaver, then eaten by a moose.

Rudy: And then molested by a primitive chairmaker.

Chris: And then pooped out, picked up by a bald eagle and dropped in Wales. Where a blind woodworker found it.

Klaus: And then nailed on a splat.

Chris: Plausible. Totally. 

Rudy: Very.

Klaus: And then the whole shebang ended up in an antique store, and sold for too much money.

Chris: And here we are, making it famous!

Rudy: Do we know the price it sold for?

Klaus: Nope.

Rudy: I’m guessing around 62 GBP.

Klaus: I’m guessing one rusty nail and a parrot’s turd. That’s what I would pay.

Chris: Still too much.

Rudy: How much are parrot turds these days on the black market?

Klaus: They are in high demand.

Rudy: The arm bends inward too. This chair is really one of the worst…

Klaus: Yes. Gotta love arms that pinch you in your side.

Chris: It’s trying to kill you – one way or the other.

Klaus: If you’re a chubby person and sit in this, you’ll never get out alive. They’ll have to burn the chair off you.

Chris: The shape of the splat…. what would you call it?

Rudy: Ugly?

Klaus: A vase?

Chris: Throwing-up Snakey?

Klaus: Haha. That’s a good one.

Chris: Distended Colon?

Klaus: Snake who swallowed a possum?

Rudy: “My penis looks a little weird but I like it anyway”?

Klaus: LOL. Can I say LOL here, by the way? 

Chris: Is LOL bad now?

Rudy: LOL! I mean, that’s what the splat looks like. I’m not talking abut my own… you know.

Klaus: Oh, good. Because for one second there I thought… I mean, if you have a weird penis, that’s alright, but…NEVERMIND!

Chris: I do like the color, though.

Klaus: Of Rudy’s…?

Chris: Of the chair. Not Rudy’s Johnson.

Klaus: Phew. LOL.


No votes yet.
Please wait...